Ed parks Bella's truck in front of her house while she pushes the 'make me a vampire' issue. If she doesn't become one, she argues it's inevitable that accident, illness, old age or diminishing box office returns will separate them. He remains firmly against the idea. He tells her "You should go on inside". Bella gets out of the truck but Ed then stands in front of her. What the fuck, now he's passive/aggressive too? They're really turning Edward into a dick here! What'll happen next, Edward visits the hospital to slap some babies? Anyway, Bella finally asks for one gift for her birthday: a kiss, which he gives her while again looking like he's ready to burst into tears. Come on, Ed, it's Kristen Stewart, man! Stop acting like your kissing a diseased orangutan!
After a little montage, which shows Bella being sad, which is really just the norm for her, she parks her truck at home the next day. Edward is already standing there like a stalker/zombie. He takes a walk with her into the forest to tell her that he and his 'family' has to leave town. He states that the human acquaintances are starting to notice Carlisle's lack of aging. Personally, the real reason he's leaving is because the Jasper's attack made him realize that Bella will always be in danger and shouldn't be a part of his life 'cause he may not be able to protect her so why bother at all yada yada.
Before walking away for good he makes her promise not to do anything reckless, for her father's sake. He also gives the knife in her chest a twist by saying "It's not about your soul ...you're just not good for me" though to him I'm sure he found the line touchingly brilliant. Way to let a chick down easy, Ed! I swear in his 109 years he never spoke to a woman before! Edward takes off into the woods. Bella halfheartedly follows him as day turns into night. She could pick up the pace but it's still too early in the movie for anything to get resolved or for people to talk to each other with common sense. She trips and falls down and passes out/falls asleep/who knows?
Later that night, we see Bella still asleep. Some beady eyes peer out from the dark forest and we hear some heavy breathing... too easy to make a joke there. A muscle bound young guy picks Bella up and carries her through the forest. At Bella's house her Dad Charlie (who is also the town's police chief) organizes a search for her. His assistant Harry (Graham Greene) is also there and seems to know more about the strange goings-on in the forest than he lets on. The subject of the Cullen's leaving town is brought up, to which Harry says, "Good riddance!" Finally, there's someone in the film with whom I can relate.
The muscle bound guy turns out to be not Jacob but one of his buddies named Sam, another Native American who is something of a role model for other young guys in the area. He carries Bella, who must be a really heavy sleeper, over to her father. Charlie gives Sam a quick "thanks" and a nod. Sam walks away. WTF? Charlie will never be confused with Curious George.
We peer outside Bella's bedroom window during daytime. The title "October" comes on-screen as we watch some trick-or-treaters outside. Good thing I already knew it was October so my heart was able to prepare for the shock of seeing trick-or-treaters a second later. The camera moves slowly around Bella, who sits on her bed in a near-catatonic state. I can sympathize, as this extraordinarily dull film is putting me in a similar frame-of-mind. On the soundtrack, some particularly weak piano music is heard and we hear singing from what must be a little girl with a numb tongue. We get the same view and camera motions as "November" comes on screen. Given that it was previously October 31st, the film technically could've used "The next day" as the title and been just as accurate. I don't see someone outside frying a turkey, so I'll just have to take the film's word that it's November. December follows with snow on the ground; I feel like I'm watching a See and Learn English instructional DVD.
Bella begins an inner monologue of her emails that she writes to Alice, even though the emails all get returned to sender. Bella says, "You've disappeared"; I guess she's talking about Edward, if not the screenwriter or next plot point. Next she whines, "It's like a huge hole has been punched through my chest"; yeah... your chest, my sanity, and the director's head. We get another depressing montage; Bella screams awake from a nightmare, she sits alone at school lunchtime, she screams in bed some more, Charlie wakes up and I imagine he wonders why in hell he didn't pull out that night long ago, et cetera...
Bella begins an inner monologue of her emails that she writes to Alice, even though the emails all get returned to sender. Bella says, "You've disappeared"; I guess she's talking about Edward, if not the screenwriter or next plot point. Next she whines, "It's like a huge hole has been punched through my chest"; yeah... your chest, my sanity, and the director's head. We get another depressing montage; Bella screams awake from a nightmare, she sits alone at school lunchtime, she screams in bed some more, Charlie wakes up and I imagine he wonders why in hell he didn't pull out that night long ago, et cetera...
Still calm, yet aware that he must do something about his daughter before she pulls a Cobain and messes up his wallpaper, Dad tells Bella that he's sending her to Jacksonville to go annoy her mother for a while. He says he's worried about Bella's abnormal behavior; in Bella's case, wouldn't abnormal behavior consist of smiling, spending time with friends and having fun? Bella convinces her Dad to give her more time and she says she's going to go shopping with her friend Jessica.
Bella meets up with her that night. Jessica babbles about movies and shopping, which Bella ignores. She spots some bikers hanging out a block away. In the first of many unintentionally comical moments, Bella sees a vision of Edward, who tells her "Keep walking, this is dangerous!" We just see his face for this one, which reminds me of the MO of some old aspirin and detergent commercials.
She blows off Jessica and Ed's disembodied head to take a ride with a biker. They drive down a street, though not particularly fast. Suddenly Bella tells him to stop; the confused biker takes her back, where she returns to Jessica. This certainly won't be the last time she sends mixed signals to someone. She tells shocked Jessica "that was a rush". Normally, riding 30 miles per hour on a bike for ten seconds wouldn't be called a rush but, compared to this film, cleaning out my cat's litter seems like a rush.
In another introspective moment, Bella declares to herself that, "If a rush of danger is what it takes to see him then that's what I'll find!" Never mind that what she's actually seeing is a hallucination of Ed who just tells her "Don't do this/that". The fact that Bella hallucinates Edward when she approaches danger actually turns out to be a major theme of the film; I have an easier time believing the part about vampires and werewolves walking among us.
Bella drives her junky old truck over to Jacob's home. She greets him and says she brought him some old bikes from a junkyard. She believes they can be restored "If I had a mechanic friend to help me out". Jacob, showing his strength, lifts the bikes from Bella's truck bed without a problem, prompting Bella to comment on his buffness once again. They hang out together while he fixes the bikes and joke about their ages based on their levels of maturity. Thankfully, Jacob's strangely shirtless Native American buddies show up to break up the inanity. The buddies joke about Bella being Jacob's girlfriend and they all wrestle playfully.
For once, a fairly positive musical montage begins, despite the song being sung by a guy who obviously got his balls torn from him at a young age. Bella's inner voice to Alice proclaims that Jacob makes her feel alive. We see some more playfulness between her and Jacob and she actually loses her cool and smiles occasionally. He asks her "What's up with you and age; how old was that Cullen guy?" Of course, that was the wrong subject to bring up; Bella instantly changes back to her mope face. Jacob is upset, probably feeling dumb for cock-blocking himself just then. Bella's inner voice says, "Not even Jake can keep the dreams away" as we watch her scream herself awake while Charlie comes over to her. Speaking of inner voices, I'd like to hear her Dad's; it must sound something like "It must be so much cooler to have a son... She's 18 now so it's technically not my problem... I hope she chooses a college really, really far away..." Dad asks Bella if hanging out with Jake helps her cope, she's noncommittal then Dad adds, "You've got to love what's good for you". Dumb Charlie! Don't you know your daughter will always do the opposite? If I have a daughter someday and she hangs out with a guy I don't like, my strategy will be to act like I love the guy!
Later she drives her truck around with Jacob. They spot Sam on a cliff, along with Jacob's other shirtless buddies. Jacob dismisses them as something like a cult. One of the buddies gets thrown over the tall cliff down into the ocean. Bella is worried but Jacob explains that they're doing it for "a rush" and all the guys do whatever Sam wants them to. Bella gets out and prepares to drive the dirt bike Jacob has fixed; he gives her a few quick instructions and she takes off. Ed's head shows up again to tell her to "stop". I wonder how often Edward's Head is going to pop up in the future: whenever Bella tries to eat a donut? Goes swimming right after eating? Runs with scissors? Anyway, Bella soon wipes out and falls to the ground due to the distraction of Edward telling her to stop... d'oh... thanks for the warning imaginary Ed! Jacob rushes over to help Bella, who is bleeding from her forehead. He pulls a 'Captain Kirk' and removes his shirt in order to use it to clean her wound. While taking another look at his tan manly muscles, Bella gives him the naive compliment "You're sort of beautiful". Ladies, if you're seriously going to emit pap like this in a guy's direction, you better mean it in a "want to have your babies" kind of way, or else your just being a confusing pain in the ass.
