Let us welcome to this site my first review of a super-duper, balls-out worldwide mega hit, Twilight: New Moon. This film is the sequel to Twilight, an enormous hit in its own right. The first entry of this saga introduced us to a young-looking emo-ish vampire and the normal girl he falls in love with and protects, set against the backdrop of mountains of teenage angst and amateur romantic babble. Not terribly gripping stuff, right? So how come mediocre author Stephenie Meyer can now afford to buy a small nation should the urge strike her? Teenage girls, of course! Teenage girls crave this sort of stuff like the Gollum craved his precious, and since teenage girls now control 163% of the world's disposable income, these are the sorts of stories which now dominate best seller lists and multiplex cinemas. Nothing proves this more than the fact that New Moon, according to a revenue estimate on Wikipedia, has pulled in a staggering 709 million f'ing dollars! Let me repeat... 709! Million! Dollars! Do you know how many bottles of nail polish and razor blades that buys? This wouldn't be cause for concern and teen women would be free of blame if the film was any good but I watched it and it sucks! I'm talking Meet Joe Black suck! Gigli-like levels of suckitude! I've seen most of the first Twilight film (not braggin'), and while it's full of pap and dangerous levels of angst, it's mediocre enough to be too good for review on this site. Twilight: New Moon, however, is extremely guilty of the worst sin a film can commit in my mind: it's extraordinarily boring. People talk and talk and emote and cry and ice ages seem to pass with virtually no change in situation or character. The film plays out like the bits of a story that occur in-between plot points; in other words, Twilight cash machine #2 is nothing more than the filler between Twilight cash machine #1 and Twilight cash machine #3, opening very soon worldwide.
I push play and depressingly stare at my blu-ray player's timer in the same way office workers stare at the clock on Monday mornings. The film begins with what appears to be a dream sequence. Bella, the Twilight saga's heroine, using the term 'heroine' quite loosely, runs through what looks like an old Italian town, full of stone buildings. The dozens of people she navigates past all wear big red robes. Aha! So the makers of Twilight: New Moon are the culprits who've been buying all those stupid Snuggie sleeved blankets! Bella approaches the town's clock tower as it strikes twelve. She looks up at the clock apprehensively, as if noticing that Marty Mcfly failed in his attempt to return to 1985 but enough about good movies.
Suddenly her dream shifts to a meadow. Bella spots her grandma. Nearby, Bella spots her boyfriend, the one and only Edward Cullen, the emo vampire who is Jesus and the Beatles all rolled into one among young women. Edward begins walking into the sunny part of the meadow. Bella warns him that her grandma will see him. Edward's face begins to glitter like a disco ball in the sunlight; it looks like the producers are now going after the gay male demographic, now that the teen female one has already been bagged. Anyhow, Ed touches his finger to Grandma's; Bella sees Grandma through a mirror frame; Bella realizes that she's not looking at her grandma but an aged version of herself! Wait a sec, then why would she think it was her grandma at first? Exactly how many of us look or will look THAT MUCH like any of our grandparents? Aged Bella gets wished a 'happy birthday' by Edward. Of course, this dream contradicts Bella's wishes; She wants to become a vampire so she can forever be with Edward, as well as avoid getting wrinkly and smell like maple. I wish all dreams were this specific and easy to understand; mine involve something like hanging onto the back of a motorcycle driven by an iguana, while British musket men shoot at me for stealing their cell phones.
The dream ends as knocking on her bedroom door awakens Bella. Bella's dad Charlie walks in with a couple of gifts and wishes her a happy birthday, her eighteenth. Of course Bella acts like it's all a big downer, telling Dad "I thought we agreed, no presents". He hands her a new camera, which quite nearly causes Bella to smile. He also hands her a gift sent by her mother, a cheap photo album. I can understand why Bella lives with Dad instead of Mom. He then jokingly points out a gray hair on Bella's head, which naturally causes her to freak out and rush toward a mirror; see folks, no matter how blasé a young woman acts, it takes nothing more than a minor comment about her appearance to crush her soul.
Despite looking equally as bored and sleepy as Bella, he brightens up enough to wish her a happy birthday. Bella groans, "Don't remind me". Exactly what is so depressing about turning eighteen? Has anyone ever been depressed about turning eighteen? I know this makes her a year older than Edward physically but what would that matter anyway? Edward points out that he's actually a hundred and nine years old; that's a lot of year of moping around like a picked-on freshman; no wonder he's perfected his technique. Anyway, they have a quick mopey-looking kiss, as if they're going to be guillotined for doing so.
Long haired, chipper Native American teenager Jacob shows up and greets Bella. She notices the huge amount of muscle he apparently packed on over the summer and makes a joke about steroids. Hey Bella, you're treading onto my turf; I'll do the snarky commenting, thank you very much! Bella brightens up a bit and tells Jacob "You should switch schools; come hang out more with palefaces". Jacob politely states he likes his "red school" better. While the two of them share banter about his motorcycle hobby, sour-pussed Edward observes them from about fifteen feet away. Is it just me or should the film just end right here with Bella blowing off moody Edward for happy-go-lucky he-man Jacob? Oops, I forgot this story is geared toward teen girls so logic is not an invitee to this party.
For her birthday, Jacob hands Bella some little Native American pendant or doo-dad before going on his way. Edward, who looks like he's about to cry, walks back to Bella and is bothered by the fact that she accepted a gift from Jacob. It turns out she wouldn't allow Edward to give her a birthday present. She responds to his gift confusion with "'cause I have nothing to give back to you". Eww... who wrote this cringe-worthy pap, George Lucas? I'm aborting the review if Jar Jar Binks shows up. Inside school, two of Edward's vampire siblings, Alice and Jasper, give their own presents to Bella, which tweaks empty-handed Edward even more. Ed, you should know that chicks want presents even if they act all cool and indifferent about it. Are you sure you're a hundred and nine years old... and straight? Jeez...
While sitting in film class watching Romeo and Juliet, another story about young dullards with odd judgment, Edward starts describing ways humans can commit suicide. He sounds almost envious, since he cannot die in such ways. The teacher calls on Ed to recite from lines from the story. Of course, Ed says everything perfectly while sad, meaningful music plays, as if Ed wrote the damn book himself. Returning to his odd suicide conversation at his home, he tells Bella the only way he could kill himself would be to go to Italy and provoke the Volturi. For vampires, the Volturi act as some sort of oversight agency like the EPA, only theirs is effective. In flashback, we see them: they're three guys in a big old building sitting in big old chairs, dressed to look like a Swedish Prince and the Revolution tribute band. Their leader is... ohmigosh Tony Blair is a vampire! No, wait... their leader is a vampire named Aro; I was confused upon seeing Michael Sheen not playing Tony Blair for a change.
Ed says the Volturi have only one rule for vampires - that they keep their existence secret (you do not TALK about Vampire Club!) and to not kill people conspicuously. Bella politely declines to mention that Edward just pointed out two rules, not one; maybe she wasn't paying attention, I know it's getting difficult on my end, anyway. Next he tells Bella that a vampire can die either by violating the rule or by simple request, in which case Aro and his assistants will tear the vampire to pieces, which we see in a flashback. Bella is understandably freaked out by all of Ed's death blabber, so he tries to cheer her up by saying "The only thing that can hurt me is you", then eases the pressure on her by telling her "You're my only reason to stay alive". What a douche. Okay girls; please explain why you all seem to melt for this jackass? Wouldn't you rather hear less pushy phrases from a boyfriend, like "You're hot, let's go eat pizza"?
The whole Cullen vampire family/gang shows up and gives Bella more birthday gifts, except dimwitted Edward. Perky, friendly Alice is there, so is goofy Jasper, big doofus Emmitt and so on, like a redneck family reunion before everyone gets loaded and starts swinging at each other. All right, so is the entire first act of the film going to be about Bella's birthday gifts? Aren't screenwriters supposed to introduce a general plot or some sort of action by page ten or so?
While opening a gift Bella gets a paper cut, which turns out to be the worst paper cut in history, as blood drips from her finger to the floor. Undisciplined Jasper has a Big Mac attack for Bella and leaps toward her. Edward quickly moves into action by... slamming Bella into a wall, THEN going after Jasper. Really, Bella, what do you see in the guy? Bella's whole arm is bloodied but the gang gets Jasper under control and away from her. Carlisle, the physician/father figure of the Cullen clan, mends Bella's cuts while explaining to Bella that Edward doesn't want to change her into a vampire because her soul would be damned.
