Back to the Cup finals as the still Darren-less Leafs get beaten again, to fall behind three games to none in the series. Lots of hilarity ensues, as Coach Cherkov farts, burps and spits a booger. Pitka's agent Dick Pants (Remember him? Don't worry about it) warns that if the Leafs fail, the guest spot on Oprah's show will instead go to Deepak Chopra. Isn't Oprah's show on every day? Why is this being discussed as if there's only one guest spot available until the end of time?
Cut to a large dance club, where Jacques dances furiously as a Celine Dion impersonator comes out to sing. Pitka has disguised himself as a bartender in an attempt to convince worthless fair-weather bitch Prudence to go back to Darren. Jacques spots him, though, so he disappears in a smoke bomb again. Somehow this attempt works, as Prudence eventually makes her way to the ashram, where she makes up with Darren again. What the hell does this woman do in the morning? Flip a coin to decide who she's going to live with for the day? Why would Darren still want her? Why am I thinking harder about this than the idiots who made the film? Amid all this, Miss Bullard and Pitka feel sexual tension. Raj warns Pitka that he has moved too fast in getting Darren and Prudence back together, which will lead to some sorta bad bullshit or who gives a fuck at this point.
In game four of the Cup, Jacques looks furious in goal as he spots Prudence kissing Darren. Darren plays well and the Leafs win their first game. Same deal for game five, except Stephen Colbert wastes time drawing a penis on the telestrator in a bit where you could tell he'd do that even before he even got started. The Leafs also win game six to tie the series. To celebrate, the players dump a cooler on top of Coach Cherkov, the cooler fitting over his entire body before knocking him over. This type of cooler celebration never happens in hockey, so fuck you Myers for yet another strained setup for a lame joke.
Yes, the music is just as good as the script.
He's bringing Shitty back.
Pitka finally arrives in the locker room. He convinces Darren to come out of hiding and confront his mother. He also shows Miss Bullard his chastity belt and proclaims his love for her. Like a dummy, she says she loves him too, despite the fact a woman like her could take her pick of 99.99 percent of straight men on the planet. After Darren makes up with his mother and gets back out onto the ice, he scores the tying goal just before time runs out in the game. With only one second left, Darren is tripped while attempting to score and is awarded a penalty shot. Before the shot, however, Jacques psyches him out by describing how he satisfied Prudence when they were together.
Darren gets too frazzled to take the shot, so Coach Cherkov fakes a heart attack to buy time. An emergency crew uses a defibrillator on him, which launches his body across the rink and ignites his clothes. Thought that was retarded? Wait, there's more. Pitka brings two elephants onto a red carpet on the ice, where they start humping. Pitka talks to Darren, who is now distracted enough to get his mind cleared and take the shot on goal. Unsurprisingly, he scores, leading to the furthest-fetched aspect of this entire film - The Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup. We see a shot of Mike Myers (as himself, an alleged hockey fan) and Kanye West celebrating, two guys who vastly overestimate their own talent.
In the locker room, Deepak Chopra, not above embarrassing himself, congratulates Pitka. Back in India, Kingsley tells Pitka he can now renounce his vow of chastity and the belt comes off. Thankfully, the movie now - wait, what the fuck? Myers, still in character, sings Steve Miller's "The Joker" in a full-length song and dance number. Not even the sight of Jessica Alba dancing in sexy, colorful Indian garb can remove from my mind the wonderment over why Mike Myers thinks anyone wants to hear him sing. Fuck his singing and fuck this piece of shit, lazily slapped-together movie.
I had previously felt that the age of insanely stupid, in-your-face-bad Hollywood comedies ended sometime in the early nineties. The increasing influence of producers and media conglomerates can only now make safe, routine, neither great nor awful comedies. The Love Guru has proven an exception. A good measure of how bad a film is may be to imagine if it were written by a first-time screenwriter, then ask if it would have ever seen the light of day? In this case, not a chance in hell. For a major studio to finance a pile of shit like this takes someone with the pull of, say, Mike Myers. It has become increasingly apparent that his obsession with showing the world how funny sixties culture, puns, and Scottish people has fully run its course; if only this would become apparent to Mr. Myers, this would benefit audiences as well as his own career.
"No that's not true! People DO watch my movies for my acting! Really!"
Great... wait 'til the END of the movie to show something I'd actually like to see.
Normally, you'd have to visit unsavory foreign websites to watch something like this.
The two finalists for 2008's Overestimated Talent Cup.
Pitka and Darren next visit a bar where we unsurprisingly learn the Leafs have lost game two. A bar fight ensues, involving a banjo and fiddle band, rednecks, and little girls, ripped straight out of Airplane!, minus the originality and humor. Following that, the pair visit Niagara Falls for no apparent reason, other to provide a setting for Guru to lament that he doesn't have a woman. Great, I forgot we were going to have to deal with THAT subplot. Shit.
Back home, Pitka prepares for the dinner date he has made with Miss Bullard. He and assistant Raj play sitars while singing More than Words as Miss Bullard enters the room. It's painful enough, but this singing lasts for OVER A MINUTE. A minute of music doesn't seem long, I know, but you're probably thinking of music that doesn't involve Mike Myers. They sit down to dinner as Raj prepares the food, which happens to be shaped like nutsacks. As Raj pounds and fried the sacks, Pitka makes painful facial gestures. This bit lasts way too long. Say what you will about Saturday Night Live's simplistic, overlong gags; at least that show is free. Since Myers wrote the script, Miss Bullard is even more attracted to him; she moves in for a kiss, but we hear the 'clang' sound from Pitka's chastity belt again. Confused, Miss Bullard takes his hesitation as a diss.
Despite recent events, Pitka is still unhappy due to his problems connecting with Miss Bullard. Before the final game of the series starts, he attempts to explain his chastity belt/ vow of chastity or whatever to her, but shies away. He unhappily heads to the airport, to fly over for his appearance on Oprah. Down on the ice, Pitka's elephant plays in goal, apropos of nothing. Stephen Colbert does his drugged-up sportscaster bit once again in case you were in the bathroom the first five times he did it.
To get under Darren's skin, it turns out Jacques invited Darren's mom to the game, as she is brought out to sing the national anthems. Darren freaks out and leaves the ice, just like the puss he is. Pitka watches this from the airport and decides to return to the arena over his agent's objections. We catch a glimpse of Pitka's elephant in a huge version of a pet carrier. I wonder how much time and money was wasted planning and building this giant carrier, not to mention pestering a poor elephant to stand inside it, all because one dickhead had an idea for a two-second scene that wasn't funny anyway.
Back at the game, the Leafs are unsurprisingly losing and the fans are angry. Miss Bullard, however, finally gets up enough courage to stand up to her hecklers in the crowd. Then again, it's Toronto, what is she afraid of? It isn't like she's at a soccer game in Manchester or a basketball game in Detroit. Worried Coach Cherkov calls a time out. The sportscasters state that the Coach has called his LAST timeout, which sounds odd, as NHL teams only get ONE timeout per game. I'm having my doubts that Mike Myers is as much of a hockey fan as he claims he is.
