Jacques "Le Coq" pulls up to his mansion in an old Trans-Am, with a silhouette of a rooster painted on the hood. He also has the rooster symbol painted next to his driveway entrance. Both are here, I guess, to remind this film's target retard demographic of his nickname, since it's been about twenty minutes. Guru Pitka and his assistant Raj are hiding behind a bush on Jacques' property. Pitka proclaims "We are completely hidden behind this bush!" before the camera pulls back to reveal Pitka's elephant standing behind them. Nothing comes of that, so I guess that was the whole punchline. Fucking stupid bush gag. No, I'm not talking about when George W. choked on that pretzel a few years back.
Cut to Prudence getting out of Jacques' pool, which has a rooster painted on the bottom. Either the painter's hired for this film had a really good union, or Myers really wanted to drill this shitty cock-rooster gag down our thr… oh of course; why did I even bother? Inside, Jacques, wearing speedo trunks with the predictably large bulge, greets Prudence. He obsessively plays and sings along with some Celine Dion music. You see, because both Celine Dion and Jacques are French-Canadians… oh shit with it; it makes so little sense to me, why should I even try to explain it to anyone else? I'd bet the house that if Timberlake's character were Swedish, he'd be singing ABBA right now; gee, I must have as much wit as Mike Myers!
Pitka approaches the glass door, about ten feet from where Jacques is massaging Prudence's feet. He notices a 'Guard Rooster' warning sign and is promptly attacked by a puppet rooster. This fight goes on for way too long, and it's ridiculous (even for a film like this) that Prudence doesn't notice this. Finally, Pitka wins the fight and while Jacques is away, he hands Darren's note to Prudence. Prudence reads the note and happily agrees to return to Darren. The conflict that provided the lame excuse for this film's plot is resolved just like that. Just like that. Really!
Soon enough, Jacques returns with some Quebec pizza (pop tart with ketchup - don't ask) and challenges the bloodied, feather-riddled Pitka to a kung-fu fight. The two men gesture and pose for an interminable amount of time. Pitka drops a smoke bomb and teleports outside onto his elephant. If this all sounds extraordinarily fucking dumb, then I've described it accurately.
Back in the arena, Pitka teaches Darren some nonsense using more unfunny word gags. Like the audience, Darren's patience runs out. Pitka makes a third eye appear on Darren's head then pokes it, describing his use of the Indian martial art 'Howtohurdaguy', followed by more word gags; and I'd thought the scene before this one was the stupidest yet.
Another flashback to India follows, to allow Ben Kingsley to further wreck his film career. With his students gathered 'round, he pisses into a bucket and farts as well. He tosses mops to young Pitka and another young student. They dip their mops into a bucket and slap each other in the heads with them, to teach them the value of confusion or whatever; Christ, the film is still getting worse scene-by-scene.
We return to Toronto as Colbert and Gaffigan, back as the sportscasters, introduce game one of the Stanley Cup finals, where the Darren's Leafs are facing Jacques' Los Angeles Kings. I wonder now, if Darren and the team were playing so poorly up to this point, how did they still win enough games to make it to the finals? Just advancing to the final round is something the real Maple Leafs haven't even been able to do in over four decades.
After another pointless Colbert joke about his drug rehab problems, we see Coach Cherkov tell his players "Let's rip off their heads and shit down their necks!" Okay, we've seen shots to the head and a dwarf being vulgar; what's next, a knock-knock joke? This is starting to make fucking Marmaduke look groundbreaking. For some reason, Guru Pitka tells Darren that he cannot get into a fight of any kind during the game; he follows this by telling the L.A. Kings' bench that Darren called them all bitches. Naturally, Darren gets badly roughed up during the game. Pitka finally tells him to fight back so Darren decks Jacques in his goal. In response, the referee immediately suspends Darren for the series' next two games and the Leafs lose the game. I consider myself a fairly knowledgeable NHL fan, so I'm certain that referees don't have the ability to suspend players, much less on the spot. Since Mike Myers is supposedly a hard-core NHL fan, I'm sure he knows this too, so here's further proof he just doesn't give a shit anymore. With the Leafs now having lost game one Darren suspended for the next two, it's now obvious the Leafs will fall behind three games to none before Darren returns from suspension to spark four straight victories to take the Cup.
Angry at what has transpired, Prudence leaves him again?!? Good riddance to that fucking whore, I'd say. Following the loss, Guru Pitka, Miss Bullard, Darren, and Coach Cherkov meet in the Coach's office. The Coach's office, as well as everything in it, is tiny, which forces the normal-sized adults into uncomfortable positions. Hahaha… little people, they're so strange and weird, aren't they? God, this sucks. Some more pointless short jokes and threats are exchanged between Pitka and Cherkov, before Pitka convinces Darren to take him to see his mother.
On the way to the church where Darren's mother works, a bit of Bohemian Rhapsody is heard on the car radio, prompting Myers to give a sly look to the camera. Yes, Mike, I still remember Wayne's World too, made way back when you didn't suck. It turns out Darren has quite a complex regarding his mother; he won't let her see him play hockey, since he feels she would give him nothing but negative comments. At the church, Darren trembles in fear in the presence of Mom (played by Telma Hopkins) before finally confronting her over her alleged lack of moral support for him over the years. This is followed by them making nice and a few dumb Myers jokes, before moving on to the next time-wasting scene.
At the Maple Leafs' arena the next day, troubled star player Darren practices his shooting. Shot after shot badly misses the goal. Guru Pitka rides out onto the ice on a motorized "magic" carpet, which was a feature of Arabic rather than Indian lore, but whatever. As a test, Pitka tells Darren his wife Prudence has ditched "Le Coq" and wants to return to him. Instantly, Darren shoots pucks perfectly again. After Pitka admits he was lying, Darren's next shot bounces off the goalpost and into the head of a guy driving a Zamboni. You know a comedy sucks when the simplest gag in existence (person hit in head) stands out as one of the better routines. Pitka advises Darren to write an apology letter to Prudence. An angry and frustrated Darren throws his stick, which surprisingly (ok, not), hits the same Zamboni driver. Darren finally gives in and Pitka agrees to deliver the apology letter in person to Prudence.
