The scene worsens as we shift to an Alba-less locale, Guru Pitka's colorfully-decked out ashram headquarters. He sings and plays a sitar version of Dolly Parton's "9 to 5", making that song even more embarrassing to hear. What's worse, it isn't an instrumental version, either, as Mike plays and sings THE ENTIRE FUCKING SONG! Obviously Mike lacks close friends, for surely one would have told him by now that nobody cares for 'Fat bastard', more than two midget jokes in one sitting, or his singing aspirations. While the song endlessly continues, servant girls dance around, his assistant squeezes orange juice, an ostrich lays an egg, and other equally intriguing things happen. We view some poorly-created photos of Pitka with the Beatles (even though Pitka looks the same age in the circa-1970 pic) and with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, among other shots. The pictures are so lame it appears Photoshop wasn't even used; they just cut and pasted his head onto the photos. This sort of kills the humor regarding him as a celebrity guru, as well as the illusion that anyone behind this film gave a shit. We now see Pitka practice yoga and literally shove his head up his ass, calling to mind Mike Myers when he sets pen to paper nowadays.
After the musical abomination finally ends, personal assistant Raj and Pitka greet each other by saying "Mariska Hargitay", which is mildly funny once, which means that Myers will use it at least a hundred times before stopping. Pitka's manager Dick Pants walks in. Ugh. Moving on, Dick exposits that Pitka is the number 2 Neo-eastern self help spiritualist in the world, behind Deepak Chopra. Pitka is jealous of Chopra's success, noting that Chopra is a regular guest on Oprah Winfrey's show. Dick then hands over a copy of People magazine showing hockey player Darren Roanoke and his estranged wife on the cover, as if a non-Canadian magazine would give a shit about anything related to hockey.
Dick tells Pitka that the Maple Leafs would like to hire Pitka to help Roanoke win his wife back from "Le Coq". Repeatedly typing these dumb pun names is going to get annoying very soon. Anyway, if Pitka is successful in helping Roanoke and the Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, the team will pay him two million dollars. For hockey fans, the Leafs winning the Cup is probably the most ridiculous idea of the entire film, though the thought of them blowing millions of dollars on worthless attempts to that end rings strikingly accurate.
Pitka agrees to meet with the Maple Leafs; his visions of fame and success then give way to a childhood flashback. We look upon young Pitka as a child, but with Mike Myers' head superimposed on top of the body for an effect I would best describe as creepy. Next to him stands a young Deepak Chopra, played by a regular young boy, head to toe. Go figure. They are being tutored in some rural village by Guru Tugginmypudha, another Myers-created name that wouldn't qualify as funny even in a room full of potheads who enjoy According to Jim.
Tugginmypudha is played by Sir Ben Kingsley, who'll be sure to get that "Sir" title revoked if the Queen ever gets wind of this film. Still unsatisfied from the megatonnage of credibility lost from appearing in turds like A Sound of Thunder and Bloodrayne, Ben is back, incredibly, in an even more embarrassing role. As the crosseyed (physical defects = guaranteed humor) head guru instructing his students, he serves them cups of tea by pouring the tea from the kettle through one of his nostrils and out the other. To keep this mountain of hilarious momentum going, young Pitka picks out a booger with an attached nose hair from his cup. While being interviewed by Tugginmypudha, young Pitka volunteers that his parents were missionaries, before becoming doggy-stylists. You know that filter in your head that separates what's only privately amusing from what's worthy of making others laugh? Myers' filter broke about 17 years ago.
The young Deepak and young Pitka are asked why they wish to become gurus; Deepak wants to find the true self while Pitka wants girls to like him. To restrain his horniness, Pitka is made to wear a metal chastity belt, if only to create what I'm sure will be a hilarious situation later.
Back in the present day at Pitka's ashram, the guru welcomes a group of visitors here to listen to his spiel. He tosses out lots of silly-sounding names and phrases, each one lamer than the last. Among the crowd are Miss Bullard and Coach Cherkov, hoping Pitka will agree to help the Maple Leafs.
Pitka greets some celebs making cameos; from this I'm able to learn that Val Kilmer and Jessica Simpson have even shittier agents than I'd suspected. During the entire scene, Pitka and his followers greet each other with the term "Mariska Hargitay"; which may be funny once, but of course, this is a Mike Myers film. After about a hundred "Mariska Hargitays", Pitka ironically meets the real Mariska Hargitay, set up to be some huge payoff moment, but let's face it; she's not exactly Clint Eastwood.
Miss Bullard is finally able to introduce herself; Pitka is immediately smitten and has a daydream featuring her singing and dancing in an old scratchy-film Bollywood-style number. I actually enjoyed this part; it helps that there wasn't any Myers-penned dialogue, I'm sure. Pitka then meets little Coach Cherkov and predictably launches into, well, what Myers always launches into whenever he's within 50 feet of Verne Troyer, 'short' jokes. Since this review is already running way too long, use your own imagination to come up with the oldest, simplest 'short' jokes you can think of.
The guru agrees to go to Toronto to help the team while daydreaming of being on Oprah's show. On her private jet, Miss Bullard admits to Pitka that "I kind of have a schoolgirl crush" on him. Why would she, you ask? Because Mike Myers wrote it that way, silly! Pitka is immediately aroused; we hear a metallic 'clang' sound coming from his pants. You see? I knew that whole 'chastity belt' set-up was gonna pay off sooner or later, and in such an unexpected way!
Miss Bullard explains her problems with men and the "Bullard curse". Since her father bought the Leafs in 1967, they haven't won the Cup, which explains why all men in Toronto loathe her. I'll assume all men in this film's version of Toronto are either blind or gay. To cheer her up, Pitka holds up a couple more of his bestselling books with humorous joke titles. I neglected to write down the titles at the time, as I was feeling quite dizzy from kicking myself in the face for renting this putrid pile of shit movie.
