Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot !
We just can't get enough of this, can we?
Back at the police station, Mom continues to withhold information while being questioned by the humorously (well...) frustrated Det. Ross. Later, she reminisces with Lt. Gwen in her office, and, yes, she indeed SHOWS OFF THE DAMN PICTURES AGAIN. Oh well, it isn't like police lieutenants have anything better to do on the job besides indulging their bipolar interest in inept sergeants and their mothers. In a touching (ok, pretend) scene, Mom reveals that Joe was only thirteen when his father died, forcing Joe to take charge of everything. Despite all that, she says he has never cried (wait 'til he sees the box-office receipts).
During this jarring moment we hear some orchestral music that is so pathetically sorrowful it'd be considered too much even if it played over a scene of a mountain of slain children who had always eaten their vegetables and said 'please'. Joe then walks into the office and sees both women crying in such a hammy way I thought D.W. Griffith had dug himself up and took over the director's chair. I shouldn't have complained about the sad orchestral music; we now return to the "waa-waa-waa" comedic horns for the 53rd time.
In the car, Joe finally gives in to his Mom and lets her tell him all the info she knows about the shooting. In turns out she knows every little detail - the tattoo designs of the fat redneck guy, the make, model, and license plate of the van, etc. I guess you could now consider her an idiot savant, albeit heavily weighted toward the idiot part. Joe has his partner Tony trace the van to its owner's home and Joe immediately heads there without any backup as per usual but still with his mother. When it comes to promotion time, I hope Joe's expectations aren't too high.
Conveniently, bad guys Paulie and Tony just happen to be at the redneck's house at this moment and are interrogating the guy's wife. She's tied and taped up in a chair, but they haven't done anything terrible to her yet, such as make her watch Rhinestone. Joe comes in, frees the redneck-guy's wife, and a gunfight ensues. The bad guys get away thanks to Joe not having called for backup, the moron.
Mom isn't so quick to give up the chase, so she pulls the car around and tells Joe to join her by saying, "Get in sweetie, we're gonna nail those turkeys!" Perhaps that line elicited cheers in some foreign cinema, where the dubbed dialogue could've been re-written by someone not affected by a head injury. In the car, Joe looks worried as Mom drives around speedily, though only during exterior shots of the car. Judging by the interior shots, the car's speed seems closer to that of an old lady looking for a magical parking space, as they are prone to do. Unfortunately, Mom loses control and drives into an open dumpster full of garbage. Insert your own joke here.
Back at the station, Joe admits to Det. Ross that his mom was withholding information about the shooting. Ross gets angry and heaps insults at Joe. Mom steps in and calls Ross an asshole; an old lady being vulgar, always sure to satisfy the easily amused. Ross and Joe argue some more in the men's room then Ross threatens to call Internal Affairs and have Mom locked up for obstructing justice (if not entertainment). Joe then shoves Ross' face into a toilet and flushes. People that don't like movies such as Dumb and Dumber complain about the simple-minded humor, such as their pratfalls and tendency to telegraph their jokes. Compared to this though, Dumb and Dumber is a thesis on quantum physics.
As Joe leaves the bathroom, Gwen greets him and returns what looks like a children's toothbrush. She smiles and seems friendly again, though, so I guess the relationship may be back on. His hair and face dripping wet, Ross storms out from his assault in the bathroom and complains to Gwen. She basically ignores his ranting. Joe could currently be facing an IA investigation, disciplinary action for attacking Ross, and jail time for his mother. Gwen seems interested in getting back into his pants, though, so it's all water under the bridge.
Joe takes his mom to a park so the audience can catch a breather after all the intense action that's happened. He explains to her where the Uzi she bought was traced to, some stockpile of guns that had been thought to be destroyed but was diverted to a smuggling operation. Regarding her confrontation with Detective Ross, she explains, "His ass was grass and I was the lawnmower", a line which probably puts this film in the record books for having not one, but two lame catchphrases using the word 'lawnmower'. Joe smiles and tells her, "You're really something". I agree with him, though we're probably thinking of different things. Sweet orchestral music plays now; I'm glad I'm not diabetic, as this scene would seem likely to initiate convulsions.
Anyway, it turns out that the warehouse where the gun came from had burned down and the guns were declared destroyed for insurance reimbursement purposes. C'mon, try to stay awake for this, its REALLY important. Joe then drives over to the office building where the beneficiary of all this insurance money works, suspecting that the beneficiary is also behind the gunrunning operation. Yes, for some reason he brings his mother along too. He walks in and meets Mr. Parnell (Roger Rees), who exhibits a poop-smelling look on his face that lets everyone know in this kind of universe that he's guilty.
With about sixty percent of the film completed, it seems rather late in the story to introduce us to the main villain. Yes, I'm aware of crime films with mystery villains such as "The Usual Suspects", where Keyser Soze isn't revealed until the very end, but at least we had been aware of his existence. Knowing there is a villain out there helps to build dramatic tension. This film, however, chooses... Oh who cares anyhow, this is taking forever. While our hero and villain verbally spar, Joe's mom runs in as sure as diarrhea. She helpfully informs Joe that Parnell has motive to pretend the guns were destroyed. Well, if Joe didn't already know that he wouldn't be here, however Joe's mannerisms and the background music indicate that this was some clever breakthrough on Mom's part. Whatever.
To search for further clues, Joe surmises that he should check the burned-down warehouse in question. Rather than quietly obtaining a search warrant and going there without informing Parnell, Joe brilliantly elects to browbeat Parnell into giving him immediate access to the place. Of course, this will allow Parnell to set up a trap for Joe at the warehouse, but oh... I ruined the big surprise. Joe leaves, and Parnell calls over the lackeys, Paulie and Lou, to 'take care' of Joe and his mom. Laughably, despite being in a wide, tall office building, Paulie and Lou were sitting in a little windowless adjoining room, the door of which is right next to Parnell. What the hell do they do in there all day if Parnell ISN'T having someone whacked?
In vain, Roger Rees consults with his lawyers to try to escape this movie.
Joe (yes, with Mom) heads to the burned-down warehouse. Despite being in a seedy, desolate part of town, he removes the locks from his car, keeping his mom trapped inside. Ostensibly, this is to keep her out of trouble, but he may have a subconscious desire to let her get brutally robbed and killed, a feeling I can understand. Needless to say, Mom finds a spare gun in the glove box and contacts a police dispatcher who tells her how to get out of the car. She sneaks up right beside him in the warehouse, which gives him a big surprise. I guess he has a problem noticing noise and shadows, must have been all those headshots from Ivan Drago.
