Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot !
Mom shows off daguerreotypes of her youth.
Mom begins sharing Joe's childhood pictures to strangers now, if only because it was so flat-out hilarious the first time around. The jumper relents and heads back inside he building out of pity for Joe, if not the audience. I'm not sure if there exists some sort of rule, but if a movie takes place in the 'real' world (e.g. no fantastical or unscientific elements) as this one does, I think the attempts at humor should have some basis in reality, with a minor allowance for exaggeration. Blasting way past exaggerated behavior, nothing in this 'jumper' scene even approaches the realm of plausibility.
Joe and his mom reach his apartment building as I begin to forget how bad the writing of this movie is, not because its improved, but because I'm too busy enduring the painful jazz soundtrack again, this time with comedic 'waa-waa-waa' sounding horns included. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot might not be terrible enough to be the worst film ever made, but the soundtrack has to be very high in the running for worst score ever made, '80's teen flicks notwithstanding. She enters Joe's neat and clean apartment and complains about it being dirty. We see that her luggage is filled with canned pineapple chunks (I assume Dole's product-placement marketing rep was fired soon after this hit theaters) because they're her son's favorite. It now appears she isn't only an overbearing mother but is also borderline-retarded.
At 3am, Joe's sleep gets disturbed because his mom is vacuuming. I guess this was supposed to be funny, but to me it just reinforces the notion that she is fully mentally disturbed, to the point where she could pass as a character in a David Lynch film. To satisfy the god of predictable lameness, Joe falls asleep as the vacuuming stops then wakes up, falling out of bed as the vacuum re-starts.
In the morning Mom finds Joe's revolver in his laundry basket. Maybe his mother wouldn't meddle if Joe wasn't such an inept cop. She washes and thus fouls the gun with various household cleaning products (more product-placement eggheads to be fired), which shows us that she's simply stupid, in addition to the retardation and obsessive-compulsive disorder. If the filmmakers took away the awful mood music and didn't promote this film as a comedy, a viewer could take this as an amateurish TV-movie about some rare brain-eating disease.
Mom walks in on Joe in the shower, during which we get a butt shot, so at least some intrepid women still watching get something tossed their way, while I add borderline molestation to the previous mental issues displayed by Mom. Things continue to get worse as Joe, now ready to go to work, is made to sit and eat breakfast, which consists of a table piled full of enough food for ten people or so. If we didn't understand the joke being made by the huge breakfast she laid out, Mom unsuccessfully rushes outside to try to give Joe his lunch, packed in a very large bag. Let me note that during all of these knee-slapping goings-on, the 'waa-waa-waa' jazz music NEVER FREAKIN' STOPS!!!
Sly was hesitant to eat as the even the film's catering sucked.
After Joe leaves, Mom decides to make up for ruining his revolver by taking a cab to a seedy part of town, in order to buy him a replacement gun. Unfortunately, there is a 15-day waiting period before taking ownership, which incidentally is a good idea for people who just finished watching this movie. Leaving the store, she's approached by a big redneck who offers her a gun from a nearby van. Of course, the mentally challenged Mom accepts. She asks the big redneck and his brother for a handgun, but winds up buying an Uzi-like weapon; maybe an uzi makes it funnier; I'm not sure, as having watched this film, I no longer understand the concept of comedy.
Anyway, the brothers are spotted by mobster Paulie (Martin Ferrero, the love child of Jonathan Pryce and Peter Lorre) and his chunky accomplice Lou. Over a phone, he says he has located the stolen merchandise. Shortly thereafter, Paulie and Lou drive toward the redneck brothers' van and open fire. They are able to kill the big redneck guy's brother but the big guy himself gets away. Unfortunat-, I mean luckily, Mom escapes unharmed.
Elsewhere, Joe drinks some Pepto-Bismol (Holy Hell, so many marketers must have been fired due to this film it must've up-ticked the national unemployment rate) to remind us of that hilarious breakfast scene. His partner Tony asks, "What'd you eat for breakfast?" Ha! Joe responds with the entire long list. Ha-ha! Tony responds, "Breakfast is supposed to be the most important meal of the day", Ha! Ha-ha! Ha-han-hand over some aspirin please, someone... PLEASE?
As Joe checks back in at the station, he is surprised to discover that Mom is also there. He finds her at a desk showing off THOSE DAMNED PICTURES AGAIN to his giggling co-workers. I don't know which is worse - that the jokes in this movie are so ancient, or that the film's three or so jokes are being recycled more than even Al Gore could stand. Lt. Gwen shows up and calls Joe into her office. She herself wants to interview his Mom, now a murder witness. Joe objects and asks to do it himself, but Gwen points out the conflict of interest. Now, one might posit that Gwen, having dated the witness' son, would likewise face a conflict of interest, but what do I know of the intricate details of police procedure? It's also interesting to see that Joe is upset not because his Mom was nearly gunned down, but because this event will keep Mom in town longer than planned. Then again, knowing what Mom is like I can't quite blame him.
At home that evening, we see Joe brushing his teeth with a pink toothbrush. It's pink, you see, because that's feminine, so it's funny, as was established in... I forget which ice age it was. Mom reveals that she was withholding information from Detective Ross, the annoying guy who had been interviewing her earlier. She states that she wants to give Joe all the information she knows, to help him get promoted. I'm not sure here whether her reasoning here comes from the previously revealed stupid or retarded aspects of her personality.
The next day, the police are involved in a shootout with some guys robbing a bank. Joe pulls up and elects to run straight through the line of fire toward the bank. Evidently, the LAPD believes such things as 'rules of engagement' and 'chain of command' are childish superstitions. Joe makes his way to the front door and shoots one robber. Then he hallucinates and sees his mother walk out of the bank, next sees himself wearing a diaper as everything moves in slow motion. His mom pulls out a giant bottle of baby powder and says he has to change him. Captain Jobeth comes out and offers to change him as well. Holy shit is this painful to watch! Now I'm thinking I was too hard on Over the Top, which is looking better and better by the moment. He fires his gun into the air and wakes up- it was all a dream! His mother comes over to tuck him in and sing him a lullaby. You might mistakenly think I'd hate hearing her sing a corny children's song but I don't mind, as it provides some relief from the SATANIC CURSED DAMNED BLAND COMEDIC 'WAA-WAA-WAA" JAZZ SCORE!!!
I wonder who Stallone lost a bet to.
The following morning, Mom gives Joe his gift Uzi, leading to his disbelief. He shouldn't be so surprised, though, given all the idiotic things she's already done. Of course, he's no Jeopardy! contestant himself as he holds the weapon pointed at her while he examines it, finger on trigger and all. How he even made it as far as police car-washing cadet, I have no idea.
