Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot !
I decided to finally give this movie a shot and see for myself why its held in such contempt. I figured there might even be a slight chance I'd like the film; after all, Sylvester Stallone had starred in Oscar the year before, which I enjoyed despite the mostly negative reviews. On the negative side of things, Stallone himself is on record having said that Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot is his worst movie ever, and that is no small statement from the star of Rhinestone and Cobra.
The film opens with a nighttime shot of L.A.'s skyline as the credits advance... slowly. The skyline pan moves slower than a growing fingernail. I notice this film lists three writers. Usually not a good sign, but its worked before. Then, I notice this film has SEVEN variously titled producers. If you lump Stallone and Director Roger Spottiswoode with the writers and producers, that makes TWELVE individuals with supervisory control over one little comedy film.
Yo Adrian, we did it! 'Rocky IV' is no longer my worst movie!
At last, the long credit sequence ends and we can finally leave this virtually static image of L.A. that's been burning into my screen. I'd half-expected to see my DVD's screen saver activate itself. We see Sly (as Sgt. Joe-something or other) on a stakeout in a junkyard as he radios to Tony, his partner on the mission. A carload of ostensibly bad guys pulls into view and Joe gets into character to buy a truck full of stolen electronics from them. The bad guy Joe deals with is played by Ving Rhames (!!!). I feel more embarrassed for Ving here than when he was getting his ass pounded in Pulp Fiction.
After completing the transaction, Joe and partner Tony flash their badges and demand the surrender of these five or more armed criminals. I waited for a moment to see more cops pop out of the woodwork to close in on the suspects, but it's just Joe and Tony there, standing next to each other as well. Just a wild guess, but I don't think this film employed any police consultants. Why no backup? Oh, now I understand; it's so we can have an exciting (ehh-) shootout. Tony thinks he got shot, but it turns out it was just some glass in his rear-end. Getting sharp things stuck in the ass; now that's how comedy is done folks.
Joe shoots down some convenient old sign that knocks out two of the suspects but the other three or so get away and that completes the brilliant sting operation. Well, two out of five ain't bad. In a bar later that night Joe unsuccessfully tries to call someone from a payphone. We can only assume he was trying to call his mother because all we see at the other end, ignoring the phone, is an old lady's arm. Apparently the filmmakers intended to tease those legions of fans salivating all over themselves to get a peek at Estelle Getty.
As Joe walks into the office the next day, jerk off Detective Ross gives him a bit of the fellow-cop hazing deemed mandatory by cop movie union regulations. The commanding officer here, Lt. Gwen Harper (JoBeth Williams), walks by and gives Joe a somewhat angry look as she heads into her office, then lets him know she wants to see him.
In her office, it turns out that Lt. Gwen is not angry with him so much for the cock-up stakeout the night before, but rather for staying out late at a bar without telling her, as they have a relationship. Its nice to see the Lieutenant has her priorities in order. At least we know why a woman portrays the Lieutenant. After all, why else would a studio cast a woman as a police officer unless she has a relationship with our hero? Anyway, Gwen believes Joe was out late calling another woman despite his protests so she calls an end to their relationship. Gee, that's so sad... I wonder if they'll ever patch things up?
I have to take a moment here to stress how awful the neverending background music is. It's a really lousy version of the bland, somewhat comedic jazz that was also a constant feature in cop-related comedies of the 80's and 90's. This music has actually been the most annoying aspect of the film thus far (and that says something); to be fair, it fits in perfectly with the picture's bland, routine writing.
Passers-by laughed as they recognized the star of "Cobra".
Joe heads over to the airport to pick up his mom who is flying in for a visit. He feels a bit scared and apprehensive at seeing her; the sort of look one gets after having watched Judge Dredd. As the flight crew and passengers come through the gate, many of them giggle upon seeing Joe's straight face. Maybe the in-flight movie was Over the Top. Actually, as we finally meet Joe's mom, it turns out she has been showing off childhood pictures of his and telling everyone aboard embarrassing stories about him.
Mom and Joe meet up then she starts harassing him, saying he looks as if he shaved with a lawnmower. That might have been a mildly amusing line if Stallone's face didn't look thoroughly clean-shaven and smooth. As he drives home with her, she rattles off the stereotypical motherly complaints about getting a better job and settling down, stuff that last drew laughs during the early Cro-Magnon period.
Before reaching home, Joe hears his police radio report a possible suicide jumper; he elects to head over to the scene, despite being off-duty and with his mom. That's a good idea; you know how there aren't any cops on duty near downtown L.A. in the middle of the day. At the scene, of course, we see the street filled with police cars, fire trucks, various other rescue vehicles, and dozens of personnel, none of them doing a damned thing. Joe pulls over and immediately heads up into the building. Is anyone in command here? I guess all those emergency folks would have just stood around all day if Joe hadn't shown up.
Mom asks a cop what the jumper's problem is. Instead of telling her to move back and decline to give information like a cop from planet Earth would do, he helpfully informs her that the jumper had wanted to speak to his mother, but hasn't been able to get a hold of her. That seems a rather awkward motive to kill oneself but it fits this scene's irony requirement, so no matter. Joe gets to the top floor and starts talking with the jumper. I have a theory that on most VHS copies of this movie the picture quality dramatically improves after this point. My reasoning is that so many renters were reminded of the jumper scene in Lethal Weapon at this very moment that they pushed the stop button out of shame, leaving the rest of the film in mint condition.
Suicide attempts by embarrassed actors were a frequent problem on the set.
As Joe continues to negotiate, his mom ridiculously but unsurprisingly grabs hold of a police bullhorn and begins communicating with the jumper. Instead of grabbing and slamming her into the back of a squad car (remember this is the LAPD we're talking about), the police continue to stand around like children lost in a mall. Again, I doubt there was a police consultant hired for this film. Joe and his mom argue; the jumper admonishes him, then demands that he wave to his mother. If they really wanted a funny scene, Joe should've shoved the jumper off the building at this moment.