Cylons attack the Battleship Testicula.
In another secret phone call to the shadowy CIA guy, Cummings frets over the Eddie thing. The CIA guy convinces Cummings to give him Eddie's heat signature, which will be handed over to help the Russian Air Force. The CIA guy tells Cummings that Ben is now a problem as he knows the shit hit the fan and intimates that Ben will have to be eliminated as well. Too bad the CIA kills everyone that ever knows anything, no wonder their intelligence reports are so faulty.
Russian jets show up to try and bring down Eddie. Eddie tells Ben that he "cannot fall into foreign hands". Reluctantly, Ben works with Eddie as they shoot down the Russian jets, Ben showing off some fashionable cuts and bruises. With that over, Eddie is hungry for more, stating, "I must have targets". Instead of being cool and giving Eddie the address of Columbia Pictures, Ben keeps trying to reason with him. Cummings calls and lies to Ben, saying Kara has safely returned to the carrier. He also advises Ben and Eddie to make an emergency landing in Alaska. The filmmakers must have figured it doesn't matter what part of Russia you're flying over; Alaska is a neighbor so they can't be far from there.
The Korean villagers were wary of American visitors; they remembered Alan Alda all too well.
After a quick update of Kara running from North Korean soldiers, we see the Risk game board again, as it moves from there to Alaska, which benefits the tools in the audience that don't know Alaska is up there. Ben crash lands on the runway, while Eddie chooses to hover-land this time. A doctor checks up on Ben's wounds and prepares an antibiotic syringe, which Ben refuses. The doctor becomes insistent (I guess Ben has good health insurance) and they fight, with the doctor receiving the shot and dying. It turns out he was trying to assassinate Ben for the CIA. Why did Ben refuse the antibiotics in the first place, though? Because it's in the script.
Doctor Orbit is in a hangar with Eddie and begins a process to erase his memory and maybe figure out how the hell to install Vista. Ben escapes, sneaks around the base and grabs a weapon and a firefight ensues. Ben makes his way to Orbit and convinces him to keep Eddie's memory intact, so Ben can fly Eddie and use his abilities to find Kara. More bad guys show up outside. Their commander gives the order to "... fire, on my fire!" which is kind of silly as he fires his gun immediately. Maybe that actor got paid by the word. Ben, now piloting Eddie, easily blows up the bad guys, gets away, and heads for North Korea. Given the filmmakers' knowledge of geography, I fear we'll see him fly past Big Ben, the Sydney Opera House and the Carnival in Rio on the way there.
The airlines' plan to save money on landing gear turned out to be a counterproductive one.
Eddie reveals that Kara is close to the border between North and South Korea. He also reveals that his stealth feature is damaged, and they'll have to fly about 15 feet above ground to avoid radar detection. We move from dark Alaska to daylight North Korea, which further proves that a day on this version of Earth lasts far less than 24 hours. Eddie skillfully does this and tears the roofs from buildings as he speeds over them. However, his sonic wake has no apparent effect on the rice paddies he passes over. That water over in Asia must be made of stronger stuff than that weak Yankee water I"ve grown up with. Ben manages to tell Captain Dick about everything, including how Cummings led him into an assassination attempt and hid other info about Eddie from the military brass.
Captain Dick heads over to Cumming's office, where we now have absolute proof of Cumming's guilt: He's wearing sunglasses and his hands are clasped in front of his face. If only his office were inside a volcano. Dick announces he's under arrest. He asks for a minute alone, which Dick grants, so Cummings can dramatically shoot himself.
Kara runs around near a border crossing, and its now pitch black night in North Korea. I've given up all hope of ever figuring out how the sun moves in this universe. North Korean soldiers spot her and fire at her with heavy machine guns. I'd think the North Korean powers-that-be would rather capture and interrogate an elite US pilot than kill one but it's far too late now to introduce common sense here. Just when it looks like Kara's about to be killed, Eddie shows up and annihilates the enemy soldiers. Ben gets out of the plane and runs toward Kara. A North Korean chopper shows up, but Eddie flies into it, blowing both vehicles into bits. I'd have thought a technically advanced Navy fighter would've at least survived in recognizable chunks from a collision with a dingy old helicopter but I don't have access to top-secret technology. Conveniently, a US helicopter comes in and picks up Ben and Kara.
Kara wanders into a pond next to some primitive-looking village, with a pot over a fire and tents set up. To assure us we're in North Korea, some strings of oriental music play on the soundtrack. A little Korean girl walks right up to Kara, screams and runs away. Kara then tries to hide before the villagers see her, so it escapes me as to why she walked right up next to the village in the first place.
Ben raved about the new game at the arcade but wasn't happy about the 750 quarters required to play.
Back on the carrier, we see the funeral for Henry. Thankfully no one gets the nerve to tell anecdotes about his whole lucky prime number stupidity. Unfortunately, Ben brings it up when alone with Kara, telling her they must belong together because they make '2', which is a prime number. Kara doesn't point out that Ben and any other woman would also make '2' and instead lets Ben think he came up with a sly, intelligent remark. Roll credits.
According to the IMDb, Stealth lost 58 million dollars, subtracting the worldwide gross from its outrageous budget. On a positive note and one Jamie Foxx is probably thankful for, the film wasn't released until July 2005, six months after the voting was complete and he'd won his best actor Oscar for Ray. That win led the studio marketers to give supporting actor Jamie top billing for this film, which I'm sure he wasn't so thrilled about. Also according to the IMDb, Stealth was originally conceived as a live action adaptation of the Starfox video game. It may be ridiculous to think of Josh Lucas wearing a big fox costume, but movies based on videogames suck anyway. Plus, he'd have been able to make people forget he was in this turkey.
- reviewed by Richie 09-02-08
