That night, Rocky pulls up in his Lambo. Adrian stands at the top of the stairs to start her "Don't fight him, you'll get hurt, you don't need it, my shoes are too tight blablabla" routine, which we only got a glimpse of before Apollo's fight. She pulls out a new one on the big lug, going so far as to yell "You can't win!" To this, Rocky turns his head quickly and almost seems to wake up. He huffs and puffs as he responds, "Ta beat me, he's gonna hafta kill me... and ta kill me, he's gonna hafta have da heart to stand in front of me!" I dunno Rocky, that still doesn't seem like much of a problem for Drago. A more appropriate line might have been, "To beat me, he's gonna hafta take ova da skwipt'!"
Rocky heads back out to drive around in his Lambo some more and I don't blame him... if I owned one, I'd probably sleep in it, probably even have my mail delivered to it. His drive turns into a music video for the song No Easy Way Out, the semi-hit for Robert Tepper, who I assume was hired because Sly mistook him for Frank Stallone. As Rocky tools down the road, we get a montage of images from earlier in the film. Mistakenly, we then get a montage of images from the earlier films, reminding us how much more sensible and worthwhile they were. During this, I began to realize how much padding has gone on in this film. We had the opening re-hash of the end of Rocky III, we had the full "Living in America" song and now the "No Easy Way Out" song, for a total of about eleven minutes, with more musical padding to follow later. Bear in mind, at 91 minutes, this is the shortest of all the Rocky films.
Before heading over to the Soviet Union, we have to suffer through another allegedly comical scene as the female robot frets and worries over Paulie, who is loading his awful plaid luggage into a car. In a scene just slightly less painful, Rocky Jr. shares a moment with Dad. Rocky admits that sometimes he gets scared as tender piano music plays, the sort of music heard in commercials for yeast-infection ointments. He tells Rocky Jr. about "... going one more round when you think you can't makes all the difference in life..." Sounds inspiring but it wouldn't work out well, judging by how much of a whiny punk the kid turned out to be in Rocky V. At least he would switch back to black hair. Before leaving for the airport, Rocky takes one last look at Adrian who is staying behind. She coolly stares down from the upstairs bedroom window like a crazy shut-in, like she's about to open and close the curtains for the next nine hours.
Another montage-filled music video sets in, presenting images of snowy Russia, if not Wyoming. Rocky is flown out to some remote village in an old prop-plane that Indiana Jones wouldn't enter. The tune "Burning Heart" plays, a semi-hit for the band Survivor, though its no "Eye of the Tiger". Its a forgettable song, similar in melody to a beer commercial. As for the lyrics, they resemble the work of a fifth grader biting off more than he can chew: "Deep in our soul quiet ember, its you against you... its the paradox that drives us all!" As this musical clusterfuck continues, lingering, meaningful shots of the following are thrust at us: the rear wing of the plane, then the propellers... then the landing gear... then the door; its like watching a slide-show from the aforementioned fifth grader now working a camera for the first time.
First out of the airplane door is Paulie, who complains about the flight then disparages the surroundings. Non-Americans who bash America imagine us all as someone like Paulie, I bet. Various Russians with big furry hats stare. A car pulls up and the camera holds on the license plate for no apparent reason, maybe to drive home the fact we're now in a distant, foreign land that cannot possibly be Wyoming. A Russian gets out of the car to greet Rocky, Paulie and trainer Duke. By the way, that "Burning Heart" song is blaring out more gratuitous noun-mashing: "... in the heat of attack, its the passion that kills!" The car takes our trio out toward their lodgings and is followed by their assigned KGB 'chaperones'. More fur-topped Russians stare, with their cold, beady commie eyeballs. Rocky and the gang are finally dropped off at the rustic, out-of-the-way cabin in a snowy place surrounded by snow-covered mountains. The car takes off after we're treated to a lingering camera shot of the chains on its tires. This informs us I guess, that they're in a snowy place, if the snow in all directions covering everything didn't give that fact away previously.
That night, Paulie predictably complains about the lack of TV while Rocky and Duke sensibly ignore him. Duke tells Rocky that they have to keep Apollo's spirit alive and that he didn't die for nothing, but for a motivational plot point. Rocky gets to it the next morning, going out for a jog as the KGB chaperones follow him in a car. I don't know why they need to watch him so closely, what's he gonna do way out here, steal snow? Another musical montage begins, one that Rocky fans are accustomed to - dueling training montages. We see the walls of blinking machines and computers near Drago as he trains in the dark, for whatever mysterious reason. Weird commies. Cut to Rocky running across piles of snow and icy streams. Cut to Drago running around on a fancy indoor track. Cut to Rocky helping a guy from Dr. Zhivago pick up his wagon. Cut to Drago sweatily lifting weights while Snidely gives him homoerotic stares. Cut to Rocky chopping firewood. Cut to a Soviet trainer timing how fast Drago runs a lap. Wait a sec - I know it's important for a boxer to run for stamina-building purposes but is it really important to break records? Most long distance runners I've seen don't strike me as intimidating fighters.
Anyway, that veers away from the main point of these training montages - the law of the shittier gym. This is a theory that can be adapted to many types of film but is best known as taking place in Rocky II up through Rocky Balboa. He who trains in the shittier gym (or surroundings, in this case) shall win the upcoming bout. Let's review: In Rocky II, Apollo trains in modern surroundings apropos for a heavyweight champ while Rocky continues to beat his meat. Who wins the fight? Rocky, of course. Let's go to Rocky III. Before the first fight, Rocky trains in a fancy gym full of decorations, complete with a band. Clubber Lang angrily does sit-ups and push-ups in his crumbling litter box of a basement. Clubber wins, while Mickey dies of shame from allowing Rocky to disregard shitty gym theory. Before the rematch with Clubber, Apollo reveals to Rocky the shittier gym theory and brings him to a sweaty shithole in downtown L.A. Rocky, having out-shittied Clubber, beats him to regain the title. So now, the part IV dual-training montage has already shown us what we need to know regarding the winner of Drago vs. Rocky. At this point, Drago had better move to a drug den and do some jumping jacks in a pool of vomit if he has plans of beating the Italian stallion.
The montage comes to an end as a worn-out Rock heads back to the cabin. I sure hope he packed some talc in his luggage; its frightening to think how chafed he is, having run through water and snow in tight jeans all day. He lifts his head to see Adrian waiting for him outside the door, her bipolar needle now having swung back over to the happy, supportive side of the meter. She more or less explains that she wants to stick by him no matter what variety of vegetable Drago turns him into.
So with this tiny transition, we jump headlong into our second musical dueling training montage, this one the uplifting version. Unlike the other films, they pretty much just stacked the two montage music videos back-to-back. We resume cutting back and forth between Drago and Rocky, only this time things look even sillier. Trainer Duke yells, "No pain!" at Rocky, which is almost as worthless a phrase as Dalton's legendary "Pain don't hurt", from the incomparable Road House. Cut to Drago, punching the carnival machine again, achieving 1900, then 2045, then 2150 pounds-per-inch of pressure. Despite the fact that 2150 ppi is enough force to punch holes through oil tanker hulls, Drago will not go on to decapitate Rocky in their fight. Cut to Rocky, sweating what looks like olive oil while performing more antique wagon-lifting. Old weatherbeaten horsecarts: coming soon to a friendly health club near you! Cut back to Drago, who is receiving injections of some dubious drug. Come on Ivan, this is a boxing match, not a baseball game! Cut back to Rocky, who races up a steep snow-covered mountain. He reaches the summit and lifts his arms in triumph, as he's done before in front of the Philadelphia art museum. The montage ends with Rocky screaming "Dragoooo!". This triggers a massive avalanche, crushing Adrian, Duke, Paulie and everyone else in the valley down below. Well... it could've happened!
We immediately proceed to fight night. Barry Tompkins sits in as our commentator. I guess Stu Nahan was caught spying by Soviet customs and is currently chopping down trees with a spoon in Siberia. Barry's broadcast partner curiously stays mute. We pan over the Soviet flag-waving crowd and see some Russian-style heroic banners depicting Drago; You know, like those portraits where workers stand stoically and stare into the distance, like they've got a fart in the pipeline but aren't sure if their cheeks can hold. Adrian sits in the crowd and looks scared, watching everyone shout "Drago! Drago!" as if she had no idea the Russian fans would cheer for the Russian boxer fighting in Russia.
Next, our faux-Gorbachev walks over to his fancy balcony seat, surrounded by other big shots. Yes, this is the same guy who played Gorbachev in The Naked Gun a few years later. Rocky walks out into the hall; Paulie walks alongside him while draped in an American flag. Thanks for spreading that image, Paulie. He tearfully tells Rocky "If I could be someone else, I'd wanna be you!" I now know the only thing more annoying than Paulie being angry is Paulie being nice. Upon seeing Rock, the crowd begins booing. We cut back home to Rocky Jr. with some friends and that damned Robot, now dressed as Santa. Now I join in the booing.
