- February 14, 2009
It's cold and there's no fun to be had. That's the short version but there are too many other places where that description fits (e.g. the rest of Canada, Russia, big chunks of the United States, Tipper Gore's twat), so I'll get into specifics. Before we go any further though, let me first answer you smartasses out there who say, "You've never been to Labrador, jackass, so how can you judge the place": Well, I've never been to Tipper Gore's twat (again) either yet I'm reasonably confident it's an undesirable place.
Labrador is the suckier half of the Canadian province called "Newfoundland and Labrador", another one of those gigantic regions of Canada that looks impressive on a map yet is less relevant than Delaware. Labrador is basically the dough left over when the annoying cookie known as Quebec was cut. Instead of throwing away the dough, it was frozen and now thousands of humans unable to hack it in civilization live there.
What freaks choose to live here? Some of them are Inuits, native people who are basically Eskimos with bad marketing. Thousands of years ago their ancestors wandered into the northern parts of Canada and plopped themselves down, too lazy to join the rest of the herd that went further south. Many modern day Inuits apparently prefer eating raw seal meat and freezing their asses off to moving someplace where electricity and transportation don't require hours of planning and labor. Mental problems skew high in these parts, I assume.
Inevitably some Europeans showed up, because a place still existed where native people weren't being pestered by whitey. Vikings are thought to have visited the area in the 11th century and called the place 'Markland', because you'd have to be someone's mark to live there. Labrador is named after Portugese explorer João Fernandes Lavrador. Unlike most Iberian explorers, João lacked the will to annoy Aztecs and Incas and all those empires now reduced to being brand names of weird food in the ethnic aisle. Anyhow, he took a look at Labrador and sensibly went on his merry way. Some whites still live in Labrador today; they apparently prefer mining for iron and gutting fish to, say, everything else in life. Mental cases, I'm now fully certain.
To be fair, some parts of Labrador aren't struck with nut-shrinking weather year-round. Pleasant temperatures can be felt in the summer, along with bites from giant armies of nasty black flies and disease-ridden mosquitoes. While enjoying the beauty of whales, trees, and similar junk that sensible people get bored with after about three minutes, you may want to make sure to have your own supply of water. See that pretty pond over there, unspoiled by civilization? It's probably full of malaria and rabbit shit and who-the-fuck knows what else.
Out of water and whatever else makes life worth living? Your best bet then is to drive back to town, which is going to take an immensely long amount of time on the shit-and-gravel roads that the practical jokers around here call a 'highway'. That cool new mountain bike you wasted good money on is useless out here too; you may as well ride your bike in a field full of marbles. You certainly won't pedal fast enough to avoid that passing truck slamming you with bursts of gravel like a fucking 12-gauge. Walking? Don't make me laugh.
So let's sum up a trek to Labrador. Your blood-soaked self is running away from the six billion bugs on your ass because you're the only target in sight. Someone finally drives by; a depressed miner who sprays you with hundreds of rocks from the shit road. While crawling back to civilization, you spew your guts, suffering from a bout of whatever disease you caught when you drank from that oh-so pristine pond. This place sucks.
- Richie 2/14/09
