- December 15, 2008

        The Phillies recently brought home a championship to the "City of Brotherly Love" thus ending Philadelphia's quarter-century wait for any of its major sports teams to do something other than suck.  Unfortunately this doesn't change the big picture: the entire city of Philadelphia sucks.  Let's run off just ten reasons why, in no particular order:

1.        Stupid nickname. "The Big Apple", "The City of Light", "The Eternal City" and "The City by the Bay" each have their own reasons for sucking, but at least they don't have a cringe-inducing nickname like "The City of Brotherly Love".  First off, I know the phrase isn't meant to force images of hairy incest into the mind but that's the inevitable effect.  Secondly, only Boston and New York can rival Philadelphia in the number of obnoxious assholes per capita, so even the true meaning of the slogan is horseshit.

2.        Rocky Balboa.  I'm a fan of Rocky (except the horrid parts IV and V, of course) but its rather embarrassing to have a fictional character be your city's most recognizable 'hero'.

3.        The Comcast Center. This shiny, nondescript building is currently Philadelphia's tallest.  One might expect one of the nation's oldest cities to have something inspiring or unique as its highest landmark but Philadelphia's is named after a shitty cable company that charges ridiculous prices for so-called 'high speed internet' which runs slower than AOL circa 1995.

4.        Cheesesteaks.  I admit I enjoy one now and then, but is this sandwich unique enough for a city to lay claim to it?  Its just melted cheese and cheap beef on bread for Christ's sake!  Following that logic, is there some city in Asia that calls itself the home of boiled rice?  Some people travel to Maine for fresh lobster or to Kansas City for its famous barbecue but is there any reason to travel to those smelly, noisy grease pits in Philly for something any moron with access to a grocer could make in his kitchen?

5.        Lack of democratic will.  Even worse than in most other cities, Philadelphians, like the cattle they are, have gone to the polls every few years to keep the same dicks in power.  For nearly a century, Republicans sat their fat asses atop Philly.  Voters apparently thought independently for once in 1952, when Democrats were voted in.  Soon enough, however, the citizenry turned back into sheep, as Democrats have stayed in office ever since.  Fucking MOSCOW has had more political diversity than Philadelphia.

6.        New T-shirt idea: All I got on my trip to Philly was this shirt and a cap in my ass.   As recently as 2006, Philadelphia had the highest homicide rate per capita out of the United States' ten most populous cities.  I doubt most of the guys were murdered by their brothers, though... stupid slogan.

7.        Moronic crime-fighting techniques. In 2007, police commissioner Sylvester Johnson, obviously not a member of MENSA, called on 10,000 African American men to fight crime by patrolling the streets.  Hmmm.... let's have people patrol the streets to stop crime, what a novel idea!  Maybe we can call them POLICE, and give them uniforms and badges, too!  Do you have any of those, Sylvester?  Maybe you should have them join the effort as well!

8.        Always a bridesmaid.  On any list of 'good' things about cities, Philadelphia is never at the top, placing third in this, fourth in that, et cetera.  Whatever you might actually like about Philadelphia, someplace else does it better.

9.        Couldn't last as U.S. capital. Philadelphia actually was first in something at one time, albeit you have to go back to the late 1700's.  Soon enough though, the powers-that-be preferred moving the nation's capital to a more appealing location, a swath of stinky barren swampland in Maryland.

10. Birthplace of several awfully annoying companies, such as the Wanamaker Ticket Office, the first of the parasite ticketing firms that buy directly from venues only to turn around and jack up prices to the consumer.  Insurance giant Cigna was also started in Philadelphia, one of the poster children of the tightwadded health insurance problem in the United States.  Let's not forget Aramark.  Chances are you've given them money.  Ever been to a sporting event and paid five bucks for a cup of flat soda or four bucks for a giant vienna sausage that tries to pass itself off as a hot dog?  Send your thanks to Aramark.


Some Infamously Irritating Philadelphians:

Bil Keane - cartoonist of the shittiest, lamest and most anti-funny daily comic strip in history, The Family Circus

Curly Joe DeRita - comedian, actor, you know him as the lone shit member of the Three Stooges.

Richard Gere - actor constantly running neck-and-neck with Sean Penn for the title of most annoying, bitchy, humorless red-flag waving liberal in the world of spoiled actors.

Boyz II Men - R&B group that broke barriers by proving that black men are just as capable as white men of producing albums full of maudlin, insomnia-curing music. 

George McClellan - Extraordinarily arrogant Union General in the Civil War, was handed a gigantic, well-equipped army twice the size of his enemy but pussyfooted around Virginia for a couple of years, wasting tens of thousands of men in piecemeal battles before pathetically running for President against his old boss like a snotty little kid.

Joey Lawrence - First gained fame as a mediocre child actor with a bowl-cut and hasn't done anything since then that would warrant celebrity status, yet he pops up on TV constantly, another reason to hate reality shows.


        To sum up, if you ever have the opportunity to visit Philadelphia, find something better to do, such as chew aluminum foil or dunk your head into a deep-fryer.  You'll thank me later.

                                                        - Richie 12/15/08