Are you Canadian? If you are, I hate your guts. First there was Bryan Adams. Then came Celine Dion. Currently we have to put up with Nickelback. I don't want to hear Canadians pleading innocence because you all lived with Nickelback at one point and did not rightfully pull out their voiceboxes. Nickelback's new album Dark Horse gets released November 18 and without a doubt, poseur Rock stations all over North America are going to play the shit out of it to satisfy those listeners who in the early '90s would have listened to ballad-playing shit-eaters like Winger and Firehouse. Americans, its time to kick some Canuck ass before a new up-and-coming 'talent' crawls out of some dung heap in Saskatchewan.
Say what you want about lame-ass 'rock' bands like Incubus and Hoobastank who bore and nauseate sensible people with Rock aimed at 14-year old heifers, at least they have the sense to disappear for some periods of time. Not so with fucking Nickelback, no sir, who have been leading the charge to destroy real rock music since the turn of the millenium. I don't care how many damn albums or hits they've had, they've been basically playing the same 2 songs for 9 goddamn years and I've had far more than enough. Unfortunately teenage girls, with no bills to pay and plenty of disposable income, continue to buy the same old shit Nickelback keeps shoveling at us. This is like trying Grape Nuts for the first time, finding out it tastes like kitty litter, but then continuing to buy more every few weeks, with the naive expectation that the experience is going to be improve in any sort of way. Their list of hit singles reads like the chapter titles of some ugly ass half-suicidal chick's diary, replete with teardrop stains:
Gotta be somebody (the new one, oh #$&@! joy!)
How you remind me
If everyone cared
Savin' me
Photograph
Speaking of photographs, they and Chad don't mix very well, what with his wet-look shirley temple fucking hairdo. He's messed his hair enough to the point where, combined with his rooster neck and Olive Oyl body, he now looks like the most heavily crack-addicted tranny in Calgary.
Here's how to make your own Nickelback song - play simple acoustic notes from guitar basics 101, then overlay some sob story while singing in a kidney-punched voice. Once you get to the chorus, repeat it ad-nauseum, long enough to make listeners check their iPod for cracks. To fill out the rest of your Nickelback-esque album, exchange new nouns and verbs like mad libs.
A Quote from Chad on their songs all sounding alike: ' When you are a band that has a distinct style such as us or AC/DC, that happens.' Unfortunately, Brian Johnson wasn't nearby to throttle Chad and his fucking chicken neck. Admittedly, some of AC/DC's songs do sound similar but at least they're not working off a pathetic pansy whiny template.
Years ago, Chad was heavily promoted with fellow bore and whiny rock poseur Josey Scott for the duet Hero, one of my most-hated videos ever if only because it doesn't pay off at the end; the Green Goblin doesn't show up to bomb both their candy-asses off the fucking building which would improve the state of rock music tenfold.
Grandstanding politicians keep bitching and moaning about illegal immigrants sneaking in from Mexico but I don't see a problem with them. They perform a lot of low-paying work that no one here is terribly interested in doing, and I'll take some salsa on my radio anytime over the periodic showers of shit from the latest Canadian moaners. Not to generalize all Canadians as lovers of maudlin, repetitive pap but I beg of you guys, someone up there please launch an investigation into this epidemic. Exhibit A: Nickelback.
