Jean asks Gary what he knows about the Amazons. Gary unsurprisingly doesn't know crap so he asks headman Tonga. Tonga explains that the Amazons know everything and they use voodoo; maybe they should move out of the jungle and become stockbrokers. He describes a shipwreck that occurred years ago as we see the flashback. A big ship in the river went down but only women from the ship survived, as they were evacuated first. Well, that explains it then; it only makes sense to settle wherever your transportation breaks down; how else would you explain why people live in Oklahoma?
Another day and, presumably, another quarter-mile further down the trail, the Narrator/Col. Jones declares that they were "…determined to bring our search to a successful conclusion" which flies in the face of everything I've observed. We watch the group do some walking for more than two seconds, so maybe they've finally found some motivation. Col. Jones describes the danger: "Even the monkeys jabbered as if to warn us!" while we watch stock footage of baboons jabbering and bouncing around like they normally do.
We come to another halt as Gary stops to use his telescope. Through it, we see stock footage of giraffes. Stunned, Gary hands the scope over to Jean, who looks through it to see some zebras, then some antelopes. I'm having my doubts about that telescope, it seems like Gary is looking through one of those Viewmasters that those of us over 30 remember having as kids. Oddly, the antelopes Jean sees are running in slow-motion; I don't know where you get that special feature on a scope; then again, I haven't been down to Best Buy in a while.
Tonga reports back to Gary that he found a gold coin. Jean recognizes it as the same one she gave to Greg. Gary declares "I'm sure we're on the right trail now!" Yeah, if only you idiots would bother walking said trail faster than a one-legged cat would, you might actually accomplish something. Just as I thought this, what does Gary do, still in broad daylight? Of course. He tells Tonga that they'll make camp right where they are tonight. We watch the tribesmen set up camp as the wind starts blowing crap around. The Colonel narrates, "It seems as if an evil force were trying to impede our progress". I agree, Colonel; I call that evil force "Morons from the States".
Worst trick-or-treaters. Ever.
That night the native tracker named Bombo tells Gary that a 'She-Devil' is holding the missing Greg prisoner. We see a lion wander into camp. The lion walks through the place casually, just inspecting the surroundings and ignoring Gary and Jean. Upon seeing the lion, however, Jean sees it and screams bloody murder. Way to irritate a previously calm predator, doofus. The lion jumps on Gary and wrestles with him; it'd be impressive to say he's actually wrestling a real lion, which he is, but the lion sort of just lays on Gary, its paws hanging limp. I'm guessing that this lion was doped up heavier than Snoop Dogg on his first trip to Amsterdam. Jean, still acting like the stereotypical woman that Gary 'hates', screams that the "lion's gonna kill him!". I might agree, only via a secondhand mega dose of downer breath. Bitchy Wayne (remember him?) shows up and does something useful for once, waving fire at the lion to snap it out of its coma and scare it away.
That bit of excitement over, Gary isn't able to announce they're setting up camp as they've already done so, so he thanks Wayne for his assistance. Wayne remembers to act like a tool and ignores Gary. He then confides to Jean that he thinks something fishy is going on, as the lion was wearing a collar. He doesn't know who or what is behind all this, but he plans on finding out. We are reminded that Greg was investigating ivory poachers, so we in the audience know that they couldn't be the culprits. I don't know why they kept pussyfooting around this mystery, weren't the filmmakers aware of this film's title?
Gary, recovering from his doped-lion battle, talks to Jean to pad out some more time. They start talking about Greg, while Gary begins displaying a little jealousy over her commitment to him. Jean wants to consider Gary a friend, because women don't understand that men would rather be punched with concrete than be called 'friend' by a decent-looking female. Jean proclaims, "I do love Greg!" Gary slyly asks "What if you didn't?" This plants some doubt in Jean's mind, as she admits, "I guess I had it fixed in my mind." Some not-so-subtle flirting follows. Odd how Jean is so devoted to Greg that she travels across the world to find him, yet quickly starts to have feelings for a lazy misogynist covered with lion drool.
The next morning Jean and Gary discover Wayne has disappeared. It is speculated that since Wayne learned the location of the 'white woman' camp from tracker Bombo, he went ahead of the group to investigate. Soon enough, a guide runs toward Gary yelling something like "Mowbay, mowbay, mowbay!" From this single word, Gary understands that Wayne has been injured up ahead. Got to admire the descriptiveness of the natives' language. Anyway, Gary yells out, "Tonga! There's been a white man injured!", forcing us to imagine how Gary would react to a black man being injured.
Guys, over here! Someone lost an arrow!
Soon enough, the gang finds Wayne, laying dead on the ground with an arrow in his back. Nearby, Gary discovers a bare-footprint and deduces that a white man must have made it, as only whites wear shoes in these parts; I'm not gonna get into his logic, my review of this pap is already too long. The group continues their journey as we see more footage of lions. Col. Jones, who I suppose is now one and the same as the Narrator now, states everyone was "missing Wayne a hundred times a day". We know what he's getting at, but if you miss someone a hundred times, wouldn't that mean you'd have to alternately 'not miss' them at least 99 times? Regardless, its much easier from my point of view, as I miss Wayne zero times a day.
Our expedition reaches a large field being attacked by stock footage of locusts. I don't think I need to spell out for anyone what Gary's reaction is. Headman Tonga frets at the thought of camping in lion country but no one is separating Gary from his well-worn tent. We cut to the next day, which makes the whole bit about camping even more pointless. Bombo the tracker has one of those off-days at work and gets himself killed by a lion. Upon learning of this, Gary thinks that the group should… yeah, you know. Jean finally grows a pair and convinces Gary, who I'm now sure is the laziest safari guide in history, to keep moving forward. Gary gives in to Jean, though he mutters that he is "useless without Bombo." I dunno, Gary, I think that even with Bombo you were pretty useless.
Bombo made a fatal error as he thought it was only a stock footage lion.
Still, a reason had to be found to pause the trip again; the Colonel informs us the natives organized a lion hunt to avenge Bombo, their leader. Bombo the tracker received his orders from Tonga and everyone refers to Tonga as "the headman", so even the natives aren't making sense now. We get yet another tribal dance and more pointless footage of rivers being crossed. Then we're treated to some thoroughly unnecessary real-life footage of lions being hunted and speared. The Colonel says the tribesmen killed a total of five lions, in revenge for the one lion that killed Bombo. Wasting valuable time and energy taking vengeance on those who had nothing to do with Bombo's death? Who do these natives think they are, the Bush administration?