Gratuitous hayseed booty shot!
At the cemetery Paula resists the idea of staying behind in the car while the men go investigate. Lt. Harper huffs about "modern women". The Colonel adds a bit of goofy dialogue with "Yeah, they've been that way all down through the ages, especially in a spot like this." Paula gives in and stays behind, but only after they leave useless Officer Kelton to stay with her. Lt. Harper, Col. Edwards, and Jeff arm themselves and move out. We see Vampira wander around, as she has for several days now.
On the ground, from the square part of their round flying saucer, Eros and Tanna exposit that the plan is to let the men find them. They send Tor after Paula and Kelton, while they themselves plan to kill the three men approaching. Tanna leaves to guide Tor outside, I guess. Soon enough, Tor sneaks up on Officer Kelton and smashes him down on the shoulders so hard, that I'd easily believe that Tor Johnson hated the guy playing Kelton.
Harper, Edwards and Jeff find the outer door to the flying saucer and try to figure out a way to get in. Inside the ship, Tanna walks in through what I'd thought was the same doorway. Eros opens the outer hatch to let the men in so they can be killed. The men come in with guns drawn but Eros turns on the 'televisor' to show them Tor carrying the unconscious Paula around. Eros blabs about how they came in peace but the Earth governments acted like dicks (I can believe that) and kept them a secret from everyone.
The founder of that goofy axe-cult in Cobra (1986)
Poor Kelton. All his dates end this way.
Eros now gets to the heart of the matter by complaining about how humans have been developing more and more powerful weapons to kill each other over time, to the point where soon humans will develop the mighty weapon 'Solaranite', which has the power to destroy particles of sunlight, and thus, the universe. This, he explains, is why humans must be destroyed. So now the point of this film is similar to that of "The Day the Earth Stood Still"; except with mostly lousy acting… and dialogue… and direction… and special effects… and everything else.
Jeff dimly posits that developing solaranite will make the nation stronger, but Eros shoots him down with the most awesome putdown in the history of film, with, "You see? You see? Your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!" Jeff doesn't take kindly to that and slugs Eros; I say get used to the putdowns, Walcott, people aren't going to forget you were in this movie.
Useless Officer Kelton wakes up again as more police backup arrives. Vampira… watches them. Kelton says that the undead version of Inspector Clay attacked him, and he and the disbelieving officer search the cemetery.
Back in the ship, Lt. Harper tries to arrest Eros, until Eros shows everyone that Tor still has Paula in his grasp, thus in Eros' grasp, and we're back at square one. The uniformed cops find Tor and the non-useless one nails him in the back of the head with a cane. Tor goes down and Paula is able to escape to safety. The cops make their way to the outside of the squarishly-round flying saucer but are unable to get in.
...and then women's lib ruined everything.
Eros laughs at stupid things, which to him is every thing.
They feared the alien's mini-nukes, until they saw how mini they were.
Inside, Jeff fights with Eros. Lt. Harper and Col. Edwards try to figure out how to open the door, while Tanna tries to get the ship to lift off. Jeff knocks out Eros as some of the generic electronic equipment (of the future!) catches fire. Jeff, Harper and Edwards escape as the burning hubcap lifts up into the sky, only to explode. Tor and I assume, Vampira turn into bones and our story is over.
To wrap things up, Criswell states that this incident "is based on sworn testimony". Well Cris, someone could state that they crap gold bouillon and swear on it regardless of whether or not it was fact. Criswell asks, "Can you prove it didn't happen?" I can say I telepathically destroyed three fleets of stealth alien invaders and no one can ever prove that it didn't happen. On a lighter note to close the movie, Cris exclaims, "God help us… in the future!" Well, "Battlefield Earth" and "Gigli" prove that we're still waiting for God's help.
The 1980 book "The Golden Turkey Awards", by Michael Medved and his brother, was a landmark tome in the mini-genre of bad film appreciation. In it, they famously declared "Plan 9 from Outer Space" as the worst film of all time. While this gave "Plan 9" a boost of fame, I have to disagree with their assessment. Off the top of my head, The Beast of Yucca Flats, Manos, and The Trial of Billy Jack each make less sense and are far more painful to watch than anything by Ed Wood. A movie like "Plan 9", despite its multitude of flaws, also has its charms. The people involved are giving it their best shot. The story is horrendously clunky, but it never wastes much time or stops trying to entertain. Compare that to the dozens of Hollywood movies that spare no expense to insult your intelligence year after year or a so-called indie film that equates "art" with boring long shots of people pretending to emote and I'll still take a "Plan 9" any day.
You will watch a better movie... in the future!
- reviewed by Richie 10-12-08
