Bad Movie Buff Plan 9 From Outer Space review page 2

To combat this alien threat, the government starts playing stock footage of the US Army firing big guns during the Korean War and the Russian Army blasting rockets at the Germans. An officer, Colonel Edwards, observes the action through his binoculars. He must be a very large man as we can see his shadow on the 'sky' behind him. The hubcaps appear undamaged, but leave, followed by about 2 seconds' worth of stock footage fighter jets.

The hubcaps return to the mother… ball bearing. Two hubcap commanders, Eros and Tanna, report to their ruler. The ruler sits in a curtained room with a few tables of '50s electronic junk on them, proving the aliens' technological superiority. The frustrated Eros (played by the immortally-named Dudley Manlove) reports that while on Earth "We contacted government officials; they refuse our existence!" I didn't know you could refuse that, but I don't have a superior alien intellect. Eros then states that he's going to carry out "Plan 9", which the ruler exposits involves the resurrection of the dead. The ruler approves and Eros and Tanna leave. Tanna asks Eros what other obstacles they may face from Earth. Eros states his opinion that "As long as they can think, we'll have our problems." Words to live by for everyone from Ed Wood to Uwe Boll. The three hubcaps take off, and we get an extended sequence of them wobbling out of the space station, then wobbling through space, then wobbling through the sky. I'm tired of all these fancy movies showing off their awesome special effects.

Before leaving for another flight, Jeff tries to encourage his wife to go stay with her mother until the whole scary business at the nearby cemetery blows over. Paula reassures him: "The flying saucers are up there, and the cemetery is out there, but I'll be locked up in there". I know what she means but she says everything in exactly the same tone of voice, which kills the whole effect. Jeff leaves and on his flight the next day he chatters some more with his drier-than-sand co-pilot. I wonder how the plane manages to fly straight, since neither of them touch any sort of controls.

We get a shot of the real Bela now, walking out of some trees into a clearing. How can you tell he was a great actor? Just look at him… he's out standing in his field! Ha ha ha! Criswell describes the action: "…from the blast arose the dead old man". This seems odd, as I thought we already saw him come back to life (albeit as Fake Bela) and help kill Inspector Clay.

Alone at home, Paula gets a call from Lt. Harper, who Jeff asked to check up on her. Yeah right, Jeff. I'm sure it was because you were worried about alien invasions and it had nothing to do with the handsome mailman. We see Real Bela approach the front door of the house and enter. Paula hangs up the phone. Fake Bela takes over and enters the bedroom. Paula screams and runs out, as Real Bela now gives chase outside the house. Paula runs through the nearby cemetery in pitch black darkness. Real Bela follows her in the daytime. We see a disturbance in Inspector Clay's gravesite and he emerges as our third zombie. The ground is strangely lit underneath. Did they bury his flashlight with him?

Daytime Paula flags down a car but passes out. Nighttime Fake Bela continues to move towards her. A redneck passer-by picks her nightie-clad body up, puts her in his car and drives off. I don't want to think about his motive for doing that. A police car speeds through the road during the day, reaching the cemetery at night. Must be a gigantic town these people live in. Daytime Real Bela curses and walks back into the woods. Nighttime uniformed cops search the cemetery. Zombie Inspector Clay (Just going to call him Tor from now on) and Vampira wander around. If the last two paragraphs don't seem to flow or make much sense to you, then I'm doing a good job describing what's happening. Lt. Harper and the uniformed cops continue to roam around the cemetery.

Cut to stock footage of a plane in flight. Criswell takes us to the "Pentagon, in Washington D.C.". Oh, he must be talking about the secret one as opposed to the main Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia. Colonel Edwards (the guy who directed the Russian stock footage attack earlier) has been called there to brief General Roberts. Roberts asks Edwards about his belief in flying saucers, using the term "flying saucers" about a dozen times. The General reveals that a language machine was built to decipher alien messages they received.

        He plays a tape of Eros blabbering that "Since the beginning of your time we have been far beyond your planet", whatever that means. Eros goes on to say that "We do not want to conquer your planet, only save it" before following that with "We have no alternative but to destroy you!" Eros vacillates so much he sounds like a U.S. presidential candidate. The General sends Col. Edwards to Hollywood to "see what in hell it is they want", though it seems the answer is in the tape he just played.

        On the mother ship, Eros makes another report to the Ruler. He brags that he has successfully raised three of the 'dead ones', although he's counting the two he already reported on his last visit. The Ruler is upset with this lack of progress, so upset that he stumbles through his lines and has to read them from the script laying on the desk. He may be the Ruler, but its no wonder that the actor who plays him, John Breckinridge, never acted in anything else in his career. As a sort of punishment, Eros will now have only one hubcap to carry out his plans for Earth. After a useless scene where electrode-controlled Tor almost strangles Eros to death, the Ruler says that the old one (Bela) must be sacrificed, which will, as he bumblingly states, "astound them enough to delay their intention until you have gained enough (dead) recruits… (to march on the world's capitals)".

        Colonel Edwards and Lt. Harper arrive at Jeff's house to interview him about his and Paula's experiences with the aliens. An Officer Kelton stands by the police car, only to get taken by surprise by Fake Bela. Kelton shoots at him to no effect then collapses. Edwards and Harper both shoot at Fake Bela, who only drops after we see something glow in the distance. Fake Bela turns into a skeleton and Paula predictably cries. Useless Officer Kelton wakes back up and everyone drives to the cemetery, which I thought directly abutted Jeff's house.