Bad Movie Buff Plan 9 From Outer Space review page 1

After watching a really bad film, I normally can't wait to open my word processor and begin trashing it. With "Plan 9" though, a melancholy mood comes over me. For years, I'd been planning to launch a bad movie review website and had written lots of short reviews of many bad films with an eye on expanding and editing them in the future. Not so with this one, even though I've seen this movie several times over the years. After all, I have nothing to say about this movie that hasn't already been said by someone else. Picking on "Plan 9" also seems the equivalent of an aspiring stand-up comedian cracking jokes about airline food; its beyond played out.

Then, as I started expanding and uploading my first few reviews, a thought constantly nagged me. How could I claim to be a bad-movie reviewer, or… ahem… buff, if I didn't have a "Plan 9" review of my own to post? Now that, as Eros would say, would be "stupid…stupid!" That would be like a bad music fan being silent during a conversation about "Nickelback". So, here I am, here to muddle through Writer/Director Ed Wood's masterpiece.

I press 'play' and once again take a look at the magnificent Criswell, sitting at a desk. He is here to introduce a story of great importance, I'm sure. Criswell throws us the indisputable fact that "Future events such as these will affect you in the future!" In the early '60s Criswell achieved a measure of fame by making prognostications. Here, in 1956 (when the film was actually shot) he tries to read minds: "You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable; that is why you are here!" Well, I can't argue with that. Then he asks if our hearts can "stand the shocking facts about grave robbers from outer space?" "Grave Robbers from Outer Space" was actually the original name of the film, but had to be changed when the Baptist backers of the movie objected to the title (but strangely, not the content).

The credits roll, and the Baptist faith might also explain why the capable and fairly well known actor Gregory Walcott (lots of TV, bit part in "Mister Roberts", lots of TV shows and Clint Eastwood films in his future) stars in this movie. Upon reading the script for the first time, Walcott flatly told Ed Wood it was the worst script he had ever read. It has been rumored, however, that Walcott was convinced to take the role anyway by executive producer Ed Reynolds, who attended the same Baptist church as Walcott. In the absence of any other evidence, I'm inclined to believe that. I'm also inclined to believe that Walcott owed Ed Reynolds piles of money.

        Our first actual scene occurs at a cemetery, where a few people mourn the beloved wife of an elderly man. Criswell voiceovers that "All of us on this Earth know that there is a time to live and that there is a time to die" which, like that dopey Pete Seeger-penned song, comes from the Ecclesiastes section of the Bible. God didn't get a writing credit, however, as I imagine he threatened Ed Wood with a locust storm had one appeared. Anyway, the old man grieving for his young wife turns out to be played by Bela Lugosi. We all know the story about how Bela died before this film was completed, some of his scenes were put together from stock footage and Tom Mason (Ed Wood's wife's chiropractor) played his role while covering his face, so 'nuff said about that. The funeral ends and a couple of redneck gravediggers begin their work.

        In what is supposed to be an airplane cockpit but actually looks like an airplane-themed bathroom, Captain Jeff (Gregory Walcott) and his deader than deadpan copilot notice a nearby hubcap, er, flying saucer. The flying saucer wobbles on its strings and makes its way over to the cemetery. The gravediggers hear some strange noises and run off immediately; so much for dedication to work. Here we see the first of many famous day/night goofs to follow. The gravediggers wander around in daylight. Bela's recently-departed wife appears as the resurrected zombie Vampira in pitch-black night. She surprises the daytime-dwelling gravediggers and we hear their lame screams.

        At his home we watch Bela grieve over his dead wife. Criswell informs us that Bela is grieving over his dead wife. Now Criswell tells us Bela "left home never to return again". Does he mean that Bela's running away? Bela walks out of frame, we hear a screech of tires and a yell, so that answers that. At the funeral for Bela, Vampira (in the dark, as always) secretly watches in the background. Upon exiting Bela's crypt, a female mourner notices the gravediggers' bodies and screams.

Inspector Clay (Tor Johnson, future star of the even-worse "The Beast of Yucca Flats") arrives and chats with other policemen in his incoherent Swedish accent. To take a further look, he announces, "I vill get vunn uff flashlight flom patrol car". To confirm this, the camera follows Clay as he walks over to his patrol car, opens the door, grabs a flashlight from the back seat, tests it, and walks back.

Trying to relax on his patio, airline pilot Jeff frets. His winds up admitting to his prying wife that he saw a flying saucer. He says it was shaped like a huge cigar, so maybe he was talking about a different saucer than the one he saw in this film, which was decidedly non-cigarish. He feels frustrated that the Army made him swear an oath: "I can never admit I saw the thing!", even though he just admitted he saw the thing to his wife. Suddenly a light flashes which unconvincingly knocks down Jeff and Paula. The flying hubcap again appears and wobbles down to a landing somewhere in the cemetery.

Fake Bela (Tom Mason holding a cape over his face) comes back to life and emerges from his tomb. He stalks Inspector Clay. Clay eventually gets confronted by both Vampira and Fake Bela. He shoots at them to no effect. The other cops follow the gunshots but by the time they get there, Inspector clay is dead. Taking over now is Lieutenant Harper, who alternately rubs the barrel of his handgun on his face and waves it toward a uniformed officer, who he orders to radio in a report. The actor who played Harper claims he was intentionally careless with his handgun, testing to see if Ed Wood would notice and correct him. Wood never did, of course.

If you love watching funerals this is the movie for you, as we have our third one here, this time for Inspector Clay. Do many funerals take place at night? I guess it might be convenient that way; respecting a loved one's memory is one thing, but do we really need to take an entire day off from work? Vampira stands in the background and observes once again and that's that for the scene.

The next day, three hubcaps wobble through the L.A. sky. A few people point up at them, possibly dreading the giant tires and brake pads that are sure to follow. The hubcaps wobble over both the CBS and NBC networks' buildings for some reason. That night, following an 'equal time' complaint I suppose, the hubcaps pass above the ABC network's building. Criswell sums up the day's events by pointing out, "There comes a time in each man's life when he can't believe his own eyes". That was probably true in the fifties, when some theaters were showing Ed Wood films.