Bad Movie Buff Phat Girlz review page 3

The Doctor has cleared everything up for Jazmin but she now goes into histrionics anyway. She fears that someday he'll be attracted to other women (AKA resume brain functions). Hell lady, if he's attracted to you he must be attracted to everything, so just enjoy the moment. Jazmin runs off and mopes in different places with sad piano music that is so cliched it would sound more appropriate in parodies of such scenes.

Selfish Jazmin wants to go home immediately regardless of whether or not her friends are having a good time, so all three of them drive home. Depressed Jazmin eats junk food in bed while watching TV. Guess what she sees on every channel? Diet commercials! Another original idea from Nnegest Likké; that filmmaker is going places... like the unemployment office, I hope.

        The commercials drive Jazmin even nuttier. Mia knocks at the door to try to check up on her while Jazmin starts screaming at the TV. Mia thinks she's being screamed at so she leaves. Jazmin tears her closet apart then punches a skinny mannequin. She then tosses parts of it out the window, one of which nails Mia in the head. That'll teach you to try to be nice to a friend, you skinny bitch! Jazmin then throws her TV out the window. Way to confront your problems, you stupid cow!

        Jazmin eventually calms down and hears her dearly departed grandmother's voice in her head. Her grandmother tells her she's beautiful, special, et cetera... all the things everyone's grandmother says, regardless of whether or not it's the truth (case in point). In the morning Jazmin feels happy and smiles. She admires herself while standing naked in front of a mirror. Thankfully, we only see her from the shoulders up; no need to turn a bad comedy movie into a worse horror movie. For some reason Mia returns; I'm certain now that Mia is a grade-A masochist. Jazmin proudly proclaims, "I am fat-tabulous!" and gives cousin Mia a weak apology.

        Back at the club, Jabba the Hutt and buddy Stacey dance to pad out the running time some more. The guy from earlier who dissed them now finds them attractive and offers to buy them drinks, though I don't see much difference from before in how the girls look. Jazmin disses him back in one of those "go on girl!" moments that would prompt audiences to cheer if they were watching a movie that didn't suck ass. Two handsome young men enthusiastically buy them drinks, proving once and for all that Phat Girlz takes place in the Bizarro Superman universe.

Of course, we still have the 'she fulfills her fashion designing dream' garbage to slog through, so they're back at the clothing store the next day. Conveniently, three female hippos start complaining about the lame designs for their size. Maybe, ladies, if you'd take a walk once in a while you could wear something that didn't say 'Good Year' or 'Ringling Bros.' on the side, but that's just my humble opinion. This leads to the chubby trio admiring Jazmin's dress and her showing them her sketchbook.

Of course, big-shot buyer guy Mister Mayer is in the store again as well. This guy is supposed to be the head purchaser for an ostensibly nationwide clothing chain but he spends most of his time in one store? Jazmin tells off Dick the assistant. Imaginatively, she calls him 'dick-face'... have you ever seen a greater splash of comedic genius than you are witnessing here? She shows her designs to Mayer which he instantly loves because the script says so. This leads to a montage of fashion shows full of Jazmin's designs, lots of success, magazine covers of chunky women in her outfits, big happiness all around as the girls celebrate at home.

But still the movie cannot end because of the Doctor thing, even though he hasn't been mentioned or thought of since Jazmin left the resort. Jazmin suddenly gets the idea to fly to Nigeria and see him. A young Nigerian woman answers the door, making Jazmin think he's hooked up with her. He shows up and explains its just one of his housekeepers. Apparently his brain damage hasn't gone away as he kisses Jazmin. To celebrate, the three girls show up at a big dinner, where Mia pigs out; She hopes to ruin her body to attract a rich Nigerian doctor of her own someday. Finally, the end.

Holy hell, how do I sum up this giant load of shit on disc? Most bad films I pick on at least have some noble idea or a little heart but this movie doesn't even have that. What lessons are learned here? Jazmin meets the man of her dreams and gets a good job by acting like a self-centered racist bitch with an childish temper. Mia means well and sticks by her cousin only to keep getting shit on, then gets ostracized for taking care of her body before deciding to change in order to satisfy the whims of some men. You know how bad this movie was? I just saw a commercial on USA network for some cheapo Steven Seagal actioner and I actually found it promising! Phat Girlz phucking sucks.