Bad Movie Buff Phat Girlz review page 2

        After she and feel humiliated at a dance club, she and Stacey go to a, fast-food restaurant called 'Fatassburger'. I will pause the review a moment while you recover laughing from that bit of comedy gold. We do the "depressed fatty pigs out" bit here. Jazmin gets offended when one of the workers laughs at her size, but is it so odd to see a fatty in a fast food restaurant?). She and the worker trade insults until she knocks him out and some idiot mugs for the camera while saying, "Damn, she knocked his ass out cold!". All of this stuff must play much funnier to Nigerians, as I have no other idea why Nnegest Likké would write such horseshit.

        The next day at the clothing store, two thin white women walk in and immediately frown at Jazmin and Stacey, to further prove that thin white women are cruel bitches. Jazmin laments that she and Stacey are the only black people in the entire store. Jazmin takes a break from pretending to work and goes for a walk. Sad-sack music plays as Jazmin looks at skinny mannequin displays while eating fries. In a comedy, this pap would be played for laughs. Oh, wait a minute, this movie IS a comedy! Then why… nevermind.

        At home, Jazmin learns from Mia that she won a vacation for 3 (How often are these prize vacations for 3?) to a resort in Palm Springs. Jazmin doesn't want to go at first because she doesn't want "to hang around skinny hos". Yes, Jazmin, we get it; are you almost ready to have a second thought in this movie? Of course she changes her mind, so her initial apprehension was just a set-up for her to say 'skinny hos'. You can never milk that phrase for enough laughs.

        Next we see an advertising montage for the Westin Mission Hills resort hotel, which is notable for not being in Palm Springs. Its down the road in Rancho Mirage, so no big deal there, especially when there are such bigger (fatter?) fish to fry here. More fun ensues when Stacey and Jazmin can't fit into the hotel's bathrobes, then can't fit onto the spa's massage tables, although the tables shown are so narrow not even a skeleton could be balanced on them.

        Out of the pool climbs a handsome, muscular Nigerian doctor who Mia had been lusting after. He walks over to the three women but instead of being interested in shapely, attractive Mia or chubby but friendly Stacey, he is lovestruck by the bitchy lump of skinflaps known as Jazmin. The Doctor's Nigerian buddies show up. I'll call one hair guy (he's the only one of the three who hasn't shaved his head) and the other one gap-toothed guy. The Doctor suggests they triple-date that evening at a fundraising dinner. Hair guy has eyes for Stacey but gap-tooth guy has no interest in Mia, as both men disparage her relatively thin figure. I guess this shows that, like some cultures in the Middle Ages, Nigerian men consider large women attractive, though I find this hard to believe to Jazmin's extent. Regarding Jazmin, the Doctor says to his buddies, "I wish the women back home were as confident". Apparently, Nigerian men consider obnoxious bitchiness a mark of confidence.

        At the fundraising dinner that evening, the women meet Nigerian men and women, most of whom chide Mia and advise her to eat more, because that joke hasn't been used in the last two minutes. Jazmin listens to the Doctor speak while her inner voice pops up again, this time to reveal she's also prejudiced toward African men as she thinks of the Doctor as her "…spear-throwin', lion huntin' Mandingo warrior". In her idiotic mind she means it as a compliment, of course, but if I were to venture outside right now and tell a black guy he's a spear-throwing lion-hunting warrior I doubt he would feel flattered.

        We get some African dancing as filler, but I don't mind because it means Jazmin's mouth is shut. At the hotel, Stacey and Hair guy get it on, I'll leave out the details because I just ate five hours ago. The Doctor walks Jazmin back to the hotel and explains that where he comes from, a woman's largeness is equated with her wealth and desirability. In that case, Jazmin is Bill Gates and Angelina Jolie rolled into one in Nigeria. I still don't buy it, though…its more believable to think the Doctor is suffering from massive brain damage and the vertical settings in his retina have been yanked all the way up. He also tells her, "You are way too classy of a lady to use profanity" which is exactly what I'd have said. Well, it'd sound more like this: "You are way too annoying of a jackass to speak" To finish off the night, they torture a horse's shoulders by getting into a coach for a ride.

The next day Stacey and way too much of Jazmin hang out by the pool. Jazmin is bitchy (what else is new?) because the Doctor had the good sense not to plow her the night before. Later, she confronts him about the lack of sex in their 1-day long relationship. I thought maybe he'd explain his fear of getting arrested for bestiality but he goes into the 'you're so special' spiel and yada yada yada. He then gives her a big kiss, instantly making himself the most underpaid actor in film. They aren't able to get together that night, though, as he explains he's having dinner with the "President of the International Medical Association". I suppose they'll dine at "The Restaurant", too.

On comes a montage of Jazmin getting a manicure, pedicure, and avocado facial (of course she tastes it, that's comedy!) while listening to New Attitude, a song I remember from an old tampon commercial. I miss that commercial; it had a better story, at least. She arrives at dinner where a huge buffet is laid out. It starts like a dream sequence but turns out to be a real buffet, where she predictably loads up. You know, being proud of your large shape is one thing but being proud of how you got that large shape is a whole other matter. Jazmin notices the Doctor there, having dinner with ohmigod... a white woman! She confronts them and makes an ass out of herself for the 58th time. The Doctor explains that the white woman is president of the association he told Jazmin he was going to have dinner with. Looking at the big picture, I'm sure Jazmin would realize her dreams if not for sexist prejudices perpetuated by idiots like…say... Jazmin.