Bad Movie Buff Phat Girlz review page 1

I strapped myself in and started playing the 90 minute crapfest called Phat Girlz, regarded by many critics as the worst film of 2006. Even if I hadn't read anything about the film before sitting down to watch it, I would assume it's awful. This is because every film I've ever seen (with the sole exception of Boyz N The Hood) with a title that replaces a letter 'S' with a 'Z' sucks. Take a look at Biker Boyz, Zardoz, or Existenz. Wall-to-wall suckage, and now I can add Phat Girlz to the list now that I've seen it. On a side note… "Phat?" Hasn't that word been played out for years now? Its the equivalent of saying things were "groovy" in 1993.

        Before getting to the characters and plot, I must say the film also sucks visually, having been filmed on a digital camera. Typical digital video cameras can make great-looking home movies but that's about it. The movie looks hazy and blurry, like a freshman film student's first project. True, first-time Writer/Director Nnegest Likké (who hails from Nigeria) had a miniscule $3 million dollar budget to work with but even that amount could've easily covered the cost of using real film and professional cameras. I can only guess they needed every spare dollar for Monique's lunch tab.

        Now on to the plot, such as it is. Our star here is comedienne Mo'Nique, a large black woman who has made her living by being proud of her fatness while ranting about thin, white, and/or rich people. If this type of act sounds funny to you, let me confirm now that it isn't. In Phat Girlz, Mo'Nique plays a large black woman who discovers pride in her fatness while ranting about thin, white, or rich people. If this type of plot sounds funny to you, let me confirm now that it isn't. In fact, Mo'Nique portrays the most unlikeable, senseless person in the entire cast but apparently we're supposed to cheer for her, a common occurrence in bad movie plots.

        We begin with a dream sequence in which Jazmin (Mo'Nique) is being carried by some oily, loincloth-clad men a la Cleopatra and the like. In modern times, I suppose they'd use a forklift. They put her down and start dancing or slithering near Jazmin; I can't truly tell because the blocking and lighting is so bad I don't even know if they're even in the same room. We see the real Jazmin in her bed writhing and moaning in ecstasy. I am now looking at the time on the DVD player already. Not even three minutes passed, shit!

        Interrupting her slumber is her young fit cousin Mia, wearing skimpy exercise clothes. Perky Mia encourages Jazmin to get up and they chatter a bit until Mia leaves. Jazmin mutters to herself, "I hate skinny bitches!". So Jazmin hates fit people (I'd call Mia athletic, but not skinny) and thinks of her cousin (who did nothing but act perky) as a bitch. Is this a woman you want to root for? Following this, we get an overlong montage of fake pictures of Jazmin's childhood, detailing how she was picked on in her youth. Boo-friggin'-hoo.

Jazmin's friend, fellow fatty and clothing store co-worker Stacey pulls into the driveway while her radio exposits that we're in Los Angeles. Jazmin doesn't come out yet, as she's stuck in a music montage featuring the Commodores' song Brick House, keeping with this film's theme of things that are beyond played out. As the song plays, Jazmin writhes around in vain trying to fit into several outfits that look like they're made for a skinny 12 year old girl. Isn't this Jazmin's closet? Why is she just discovering now her clothes are ridiculously too small? Did she gain all her weight overnight? Why do I care so much about this dreck? As she heads to Stacey's car she dismisses her weight problem, stating, "I'm sexy succulent!". I'm severely sick. Jazmin hops in Stacey's car and they take off as we get a quick montage of L.A., to re-establish where we are in case we'd forgotten in the last four minutes.

        At Bloomfield's, the clothing store where she works, Jazmin's sketching of fashion designs is interrupted by a thin female customer who asks if she looks fat in a dress she's trying on. In her 'inner voice', one of the supposedly funny aspects of the movie, Jazmin calls her ugly. Along with her cousin Mia, that already makes two innocent people she's shit on. Next, Jazmin gets pissed when a black man comes into the store with a white girlfriend. Jazmin tells Stacey "If I see another white girl with one of 'our' men I'm gonna shoot somebody" then looks at the white woman while thinking "O.J. didn't teach you nothin'!"

        The white woman walks by and her hair pushes a big soft drink from Jazmin's hand to her face, as if that makes any sense. The white woman inanely frets about her hair but it doesn't matter because Jazmin hated her at first sight. Thats four people now that Jazmin bitches about for no reason. Let's sum up - our heroine buys clothing too small then bitches at it, hates people who are in good shape, is against interracial relationships, and thinks of a O.J. Simpson as a problem-solver.

        Now that whites, fit people, and abused women have been offended, its time to piss off the gays and blacks. In comes Ramon, a white gay guy played by an actor who has apparently confused his gay and inner-city black 'accents', both of which are terribly overdone. Imagine an old blackface show from vaudeville. Now imagine there was a similar kind of show back then that disparaged gays. Now combine the two into one performance and that's what you have with the character of Ramon. His pointless character is there to give the typical 'gay friend supports female lead's self-esteem and dream' speech that one sees in even mediocre-level films geared to women.

Eric Roberts (The Pope of Greenwich Village was a really long time ago) walks in. Ramon exposits that he is Mister Mayer, "Tha head buya of tha whole Bloomfieelsh", and, since Jazmin is an aspiring designer, Ramon advises her to "git up on his griuull". Surprisingly, Ramon doesn't cry "Feets don't fail me now!" at any point in the movie. Jazmin walks toward him but gets cut off by Mayer's arrogant, snarky assistant named… Dick. You know, a few minutes of 'Creative Writing 101' would do Writer/Director Nnegest Likké some good.

Jazmin won't be denied from her dream of designing for plus-sized women so she heads to the 'First Plantation Bank' to get turned down for a loan by a mean (aren't they all) white banker. After she's denied, (we all know them honkies receive bonuses for keepin' chunky sistas down) Jazmin gets desperate, volunteering that "I ain't been laid in 9 months"!?! When the banker suggests she lose weight, Jazmin flips out at HIM for getting personal and pulls off his toupee, which may look funny to those of us who have never seen a movie or heard of toupees.