Morning, neighbor! Could I borrow a cup of sugar... and a ham or two?
In his office, dirty-deeds Dresham receives a folder full of information on Chapel, along with pictures of him exchanging stuff with some guy in a suit. He is also informed that Seeger has been kidnapped by Kruger, which I suppose has something to do with Chapel.
Cut to a passenger jet parked in Miami's airport, where Seeger has been taken to meet with Chapel. Backstabber Maxine says to Seeger that she longed for the day when she could tell him "…my heart never got sold out on a contract until now", which seems a rather clunky statement to be all pumped to tell someone. Seeger asks Chapel why so many people need to die. Chapel, bugging his eyes to the point where I think a baby alien is ready to pop out of his chest, states in his slow, philosophical tone that people die "either for nothing or for something".
With that cleared up, the film flashes back to Chapel's meeting with a Greek billionaire arms dealer, the meeting that Dresham has pictures of. It turns out the Greek guy's son is in prison in South Africa, about to be extradited to Fort Leavenworth prison. The Greek guy wants Chapel's help in breaking him out of the South African prison before he's moved in a few days. While they talk, I can't help but notice a fountain statue of a little boy is stealing the scene. The director smartly moves to a different angle. Goodbye little fountain boy, you were an oasis in a desert of boring intrigue!
Anyway, Chapel eventually agrees to assemble a team to break the son out of the prison. As payment, the Greek guy states that 20 million dollars will be placed in a secret account, from which Chapel is free to withdraw funds. The account will continue to be replenished and Chapel can keep making withdrawals. Chapel asks what the limit is on how much he can take; instead of giving him a solid number, the Greek guy says that if Chapel reaches the limit, "There will be a bullet in your head". This seems an unnecessarily complicated way to do business but, among other things, B-movies have taught us that ethnic people are just strange.
Dresham peruses his dossier of bad actors.
...at least the statue didn't ham it up.
We cut back to Chapel's plane while I wonder what monkey edited this film. Was it necessary to have Chapel's meeting with the goofy Greek guy in flashback form? I realize now what the 'Dresham views pictures of Chapel' and 'Seeger brought to Chapel' scenes were about, but it would have been nicer to know at the time.
Chapel hands the prison breakout details to Seeger, but Seeger refuses to join the mission until Chapel shows him that he has Shondra and little Eddie hostage. Seeger reluctantly gives in but frets about how little time they have, to which Chapel replies, "money has a way of making time irrelevant." If that is true, "Money" would've been an appropriate title for this film.
Seeger asks how much time he has to complete the mission, which is weird, since he was just worrying about how little time is left. Our now-villain goes back on his "time irrelevant" blabber as he now declares "You have all the time in the world… as long as you do it within four days." You know, Chapel reminds me of Oscar Wilde, had Oscar received numerous brain injuries in his youth.
Dresham, now on Chapel's tail, lands in Miami and orders searches of the whole city for him as he stands outside the airport entrance. Conveniently, Maxine walks by and his agents capture her, finding a briefcase full of money in her possession. He gets upset upon learning Chapel's plane has taken off and orders his secretary to go inside the airport to search for more information. He grabs Maxine, enters the airport, then asks his secretary "What do you have?" about ten seconds after he told her to find something. Believe it or not, the secretary has already found out that the plane is heading towards South Africa. Now that is one outstanding secretary; no wonder Dresham brings her everywhere.
We get a shot of Cape Town. Seeger emerges from the airport with mercenaries, including 'fuck' boy Kruger and Sam the hacker (still angry at Kruger). They wear business suits and we hear some jazzy music. I get reminded of Reservoir Dogs but punch myself in the face to snap out of it. Seeger wears an extremely yellow tie with his extremely bulging suit, while the other guys look conventional. I don't know what that scene means.
The new reality show was intense but had trouble attracting sponsors.
Inside an abandoned building, the men gather for their mission briefing. Seeger thinks they won't have a problem getting past guards at the outer checkpoints, to which Kruger responds, "How the fuck you figure that?" Seeger explains how, then talks about some other obstacle and asks Kruger if he can handle it. Kruger replies, "Fuck yeah!" Kruger then questions why they don't simply use nerve gas. Seeger actually has to explain to him that nerve gas will kill everyone in the whole prison, including themselves. Kruger gets angry and asks, "You wanna dance, motherfucker?" Thankfully, Kruger appears enough in this film that they give him a name, or else the actor who plays him, Langley Kirkwood, would have to list 'Foul-mouthed Retard #1' on his resume, as if just having this movie on his resume wasn't bad enough. Even Chapel has enough of Kruger's nonsense and threatens him with "We have a hole in Angola with your name on it, Kruger!" I'm not sure Kruger is intelligent enough to understand what that means, though.
Now in Cape Town as well, Dresham meets the city's Chief of Police Malek, inside the big Credit Natal Bank. For some odd reason, Dresham has it in his mind that Chapel's mercenaries are in Cape Town to rob the bank, despite the fact that he possesses a folder and pictures of Chapel meeting the rich guy whose son is imprisoned in South Africa.
To formalize Dresham's request for Malek's assistance, he hands him a laughable-looking memo from the U.S. State Department. Taking a closer look, we can see that the 'United Central Intelligent Agency' requires the assistance from the police of 'Cape Town, South African'. I was always under the impression that it was tough to get a job in the State Department but apparently they're now recruiting fourth-grade dropouts. Malek appropriately responds with, "This is absurd… totally absurd!" but he's referring to the impossibility of robbing the bank.
Malek gives Dresham and Maxine (who Dresham brought along because…. I dunno) a tour of the inside of the bank and explains all of their security protocols while unaware of Maxine taking pictures of everything with a secret camera in her bracelet. Dresham compliments the Chief of Police with, "Your clients' money seems secure", so I guess 'CIA dirty deeds men' don't need to be good at remembering people's job titles.
Chapel meets Seeger, Sam the hacker and the others in a nearby building. Referring to Maxine, he says, "We do need to do something about her, who's going to do it?", placing special emphasis when he says 'do', like he's Willy Wonka ready to break into song. Seeger says, "I'll do it" and Chapel replies, "Well done". I have to guess that exchange is meant to be serious, which makes it even sillier.
Unfortunately, spellchecking was cut from the State Department's budget this year.
