Seagal is back, for... no, wait, don't leave!
Compared to most of Seagal's direct-to-DVD cheapies, this one isn't so bad. Of course, that may be the faintest statement of praise ever written, and this movie still qualifies for inclusion on a website like this. "Mercenary" was filmed in both Bulgaria and South Africa, so one can expect lots of American characters with odd accents. It was directed by Don E. Fauntleroy, the same guy that directed Stan Lee's Lightspeed, a horrid low-budget film about a comic-book hero that I'm sure will be a future subject on this site. Fauntleroy also directed Anaconda 3 and Anaconda 4. Yes, reader, there was an Anaconda 2. As for Seagal, one positive you can say about his performance is that he didn't have laughably obvious stand-ins for this one, unlike most of his direct-to-DVD movies. Don't get too excited, though, as his character doesn't do very much here other than fire guns and slap people.
The film annoys us before it even begins. The logo for Millenium Films is displayed. Next is the logo for Luminosity Films. Good… can we start now? Wait, now here's the logo for Emmett/Furla films. Finally, the credits begin. They start with, "A Millenium Films presentation", then "In association with Luminosity Films", and don't forget this is "A Randall Emmett/ George Furla production". Gotta love direct-to-DVD's, they start padding things right after the FBI warning.
Our first sight is CIA headquarters. A guy in a suit named Dresham discusses a covert mission. A subtitle informs us he's a 'CIA dirty deeds man'. I guess that's his actual job title; they must call their janitors 'CIA dirty floor men'. Dresham speaks with Chapel, a man he's hired to topple some small fictional African government. It is revealed the true objective is to obtain diamonds and oil but they let the hired soldiers and press believe its to liberate the government. Dresham has certainly earned his 'dirty deeds man' pay grade; maybe he'll get promoted to 'junior nefarious string-puller' if the operation succeeds.
John misses his old job (KFC Extra Crispy Man).
The man playing Chapel is Roger Guenveur Smith, veteran of decent films like Malcolm X and Do The Right Thing. You wouldn't know that from watching this, though. I can only guess he's intentionally hamming it up as an arrogant, urbane villain who converses like he's in a 'Grey Poupon' commercial. As 'Chapel', he speaks in an accent that veers from George Plimpton to 'campy English villain.' All that's left for him to do is hold his pinky to the corner of his mouth and laugh towards the ceiling. Intercut with his conversation with Dresham are scenes of mercenaries fighting and African refugees running, replete with African folk music playing in the background, in case we thought the scene was taking place in Finland.
Chapel runs off the list of mercenaries he hired as we see them in action: an expert hacker, a communications specialist, a couple of tough-guy soldiers, and Maxine, who Chapel describes as an extraordinary muse, which is odd, since I didn't know muses were particularly helpful in combat. Then again, muses were featured in "Xanadu", a film which absolutely pummeled audiences, so maybe they're on to something.
It is revealed that Chapel only hired the communications expert (nicknamed 'Radio', how original) because of his ability to convince his friend John Seeger (Seagal) to join the operation. As we watch Seeger firing an assault rifle, we learn that he's the most decorated soldier of the first Persian Gulf War. Is there some newsletter out there with ranking boards of decorated soldiers? Do you receive, say, one point for a bronze star and five for a Medal of Honor? As Chapel leaves Dresham frets and says 'We don't want a war!' to which Chapel wittily retorts with 'Peace.' I'm sure this is only the beginning of Chapel's zingers.
On Galmoral Island in southern Africa, the French ambassador relaxes in his gated home. Because it's a big expensive house, we hear the inevitable classical music. Outside the front gate, a female merc pulls up and kills two guards, letting her fellow mercs get inside. It turns out the mercs, having completed their coup, are having a tough time escaping due to the French army showing up; please save all laughter until the end of the story. The ringleader, Kruger (a tough-guy merc Chapel described earlier) has decided to take the ambassador as a hostage. Kruger tells the ambassador "You know who the fuck we are!" and "We know who the fuck you are!". They also take the family and servants, since Kruger knows who the fuck they are too. The mercs leave in a jeep, with their hostages in a bomb-wired truck.
A shrill, blabbering blonde tv reporter (got to admit, she was realistic) informs us that the little nation being fought over is Galmora (also one of Pikachu's enemies, maybe), where the civilians have been celebrating since the mercenaries overthrew the dictator. So why anyone is fighting the mercs I have no idea. The French commander arrives at the battle. Instead of him usual immediately draping himself in white flags, he takes in a briefing: the mercenaries are surrounded, but have taken hostages. Maxine, using her cover as another tv reporter, makes her way over to her fellow mercs. She sees Seeger and starts moaning at him. Seeger says it wasn't his call to take hostages. Seeger yells to his buddy, "Radio, give me the comm unit!" which must be annoying, having to refer to it as a 'comm unit' so the line doesn't sound even stupider.
Kruger knows that the guy with the dirtier face wins.
Seeger calls Dresham, who is also on the line with Chapel. Dresham complains to Chapel that "You guaranteed this fiasco would not happen!" Hey Dresh, go tell it to the Director, or one of the sixty production companies for this movie. Chapel has no answers and hangs up, calling Dresham a 'fucking Yank', which is odd, because Chapel's accent primarily sounds American.
'Radio' stands straight up like a doofus and gets shot. He uses his 'dying buddy of hero utters one last thing' movie rule to say, "Promise me you'll take care of Eddie!" before going tits-up.
Kruger, still with his hostages, calls the French commander to demand he order a cease-fire. Reluctantly, the French commander gives the order to hold fire. This will have no bearing on anything at any point, as none of his troops stop or will stop firing. I guess they dismissed the order as a case of the commander 'getting French again".
She's just as annoying as the real thing!
Seagal was pissed the chopper couldn't fit in the drive-thru.
The jeep of mercs led by Kruger drive through a warehouse where they kill a bunch of French soldiers who apparently were just standing inside waiting for some enemy troops to show up. Angry that the Frenchies are still firing at them, Kruger blows up the truck carrying the hostages. He and his mercs make their way toward a chopper which has just landed. Seeger also shows up and he and the Sam the hacker take turns berating Kruger for killing the ambassador and his family. They all climb aboard and the chopper lifts off and escapes despite the opposing force's tanks, mortars and machine gunners having surrounded it for several minutes.
Away we go to bucolic Dade County, Florida or a house in one of its towns to be a little more specific. Poor dead Radio's son Eddie plays a video game and mother Shondra stands in the kitchen. Seger stops by to console her and hands her some money to help her and Eddie, while telling her he's determined to see that Radio receives a proper military burial. He doesn't make mention of the odd fact that little Eddie has a South African accent despite the fact that both of his parents are American. Sam the hacker and Maxine watch Seger as part of a stakeout/trap. Seger takes a couple of guys in an SUV by surprise and kills them. While driving away, though, he gets blocked off and is forced into a van by Kruger (the merc fond of saying 'fuck') and his mates.
