Once inside, its rather obvious we're no longer in any real restaurant but more likely someone's basement. Additionally, it looks like the set decorator only had twenty bucks to spare at Party City, so they had to go for the hastily-set-up-children's-birthday-party motif (Strangely, I'd find out later this was actually a real restaurant; how the hell they make any money I have no clue). Momo gets smart with the stiff manager/waiter for no apparent reason. The vengeful manager then wipes a toilet seat with Momo's tortilla before serving it to him. Maybe someone who never saw a film or TV show before would laugh at that. By the way, is this film supposed to be a sight-gag comedy or a tour of empty beaches? I wish the director would make up his mind. Oh, we cut back to the girls for a few seconds to see them jet ski and swim around in a few more of the 543 swimsuits they appear to own.
Shortly after eating, while Momo and his guys are back on the highway slowing down traffic, Momo predictably feels ill. They pull over (which also helps to give them a break after another two or so minutes of driving) and Momo craps in the tall grass. They guys say the restaurant manager probably put something in his food, but because they ate Mexican food, I don't see how anyone could tell a difference. This movie now seems more inspired by Dumb and Dumber than any sort of gangsta flicks; then again, Dumb and Dumber was comparatively more violent and intense.
Shoot! Just do something already, stupid movie!
Back to Cesar (remember him? The bald, tough… ahhh, who cares?) He and his two flunkies arrive at some shabby dock in the Keys, which of course is devoid of any other people. I'm beginning to suspect the Keys were hit by a neutron bomb shortly before filming began. Anyway, we learn the garbage bag full of marijuana was meant to go to Cesar and crew via boat but got wrecked. Cesar doesn't know this, so he moans about how the Cubans (!!!) better come through with his sh*t. Hold the phone for a moment, dog. Now I don't claim to be an expert on international trade, but it seems rather naïve to think a drug-smuggling boat operation between Cuba and the U.S. would have a decent success rate. Heck, we couldn't even keep little Elian Gonzalez and he was even drug-free. Angry Cesar gets pissed at the boat full of yard clipp-, er, marijuana not having arrived and points his pistol around at his flunkies for no particular reason. Oddly, Cesar seems to own the same model pistol as Momo; I guess there was an overstock-blowout sale at Wal-mart. The more likely story, of course is that both actors are using the same cheap little gun.
We see the title "2 days later"; I'm hoping we've skipped past the end of the story, but we haven't. We see Momo's crew on the highway, continuing their cross-country trip (hopefully by now, they've at least gotten past the L.A. county border). Tough but jovial flunky Benito moons a couple of geeky white guys. Why, you ask? Because he's one of the LATIN KINGZ, ese! This travel update complete, we can now move on back to Miami, where we get introduced to two rich bimbos who complain about how South Beach has become passé. They also name-drop Mariah Carey. Speaking of Mariah, the movie Glitter doesn't seem quite so bad right now. That's it for that scene. Why the bimbos have been inserted into the film, I dunno. Maybe Director Zirilli used them because he was hoping to do some inserting of his own, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. If that's not the case, I wonder if anyone bothered to do any editing on this pile of garbage film or were they unable to find that chapter in the Digicam's how-to manual?
Finally, Momo and his gang finally reach the Keys. At the rate they were traveling, I had expected to see a title stating "three years later" before the scene opened. They meet up with Tico the ex-waiter then go to the deserted toxic waste dump, er, beach where the three girls continue to prance around for I guess the third straight day. Momo hits on Cesar's ex Monica to set up some conflict later, so I guess you can count that as a plot point finally, maybe. They check in to a hotel but don't like the price (only weak poser gangs don't have to scrimp-and-save, ese!). They make a deal with the front desk person, an over-the-top gay guy who is to subtlety what Rosie O' Donnell is to sexiness. They get the room for free in exchange for the gay guy whipping comic-relief Benito in the rear-end. It's getting quite apparent to me that I'm watching three different films here. Momo and his guys are acting, well, pretending to act in some un-funny comedy. Cesar and his guys are in some un-dramatic drama about a bipolar deadbeat who walks like he has an anal infection. Monica and the girls are goofing off in some PG-rated Girls Gone Wild rip-off. Fantastic; I'm viewing three horrible movies for the price of one.
I hate everything. I'm closing down this website.
On to more lameness. Momo and they guys go and see the yard waste, er, weed that Tico found. The girls do their toenails and it is revealed that the youngest of them, Angel, is a virgin. The other two compare how many guys they've been with. Great, now we're combining the dumbest parts of 'guy' movies with the most inane parts of 'girl' movies. We still aren't even halfway through this. Back to Momo's guys who smoke some weed. Why do we have this scene, you ask? So Benito can have another flat-out hilarious hallucination with the dream-girl, this time dancing around at the empty (as always) tiki bar. Once that latest round of pointlessness ends, Momo decides to move the goods to an abandoned warehouse for the time being.
Back to Cesar, who I guess has now been sitting on the same dock for three days waiting for his missing drugs; either that, or he's waiting to turn into Otis Redding. Given this film, I'm sure Otis would prefer to stay where he is. The breathtaking action of watching Cesar just sitting around might be due to the director's fear that viewers will forget Cesar and his crew are even in this movie. He shouldn't bother, the more I can forget the better.
To the abandoned warehouse, the now-stoned gang eats lots of chips because what could be funnier and more original than people getting high and wanting to eat lots of chips? Tico unlocks an abandoned old fish locker, where the floor is covered with fresh-caught fish!!! At first I thought this was supposed to be funny, in that the place isn't really abandoned. Soon I realized we're still to believe that this place is abandoned. Apparently the director is unaware that fish decompose. Even more comical is that in the background, we see a ten-foot high truckload of newly cut lumber and several brand-new ladders and other shiny industrial equipment! This is just lazy half-assed filmmaking that has nothing do with budget problems; they could have at least covered the entire pile of wood and gotten rid of the fish and ladders. Then again, what do I know about filmmaking, I don't currently own a digital camcorder. Later on, its clear that the fish were actually PLACED THERE ON PURPOSE just for a lame comedy set-up, as Benito finds a fish in his ear (don't ask) while showering.
On to more idiocy as night falls. The girls are now at the Tiki bar having some cocktails. The person who served them these cocktails is a mystery as the service counter behind them is dark with windows shut!!! Of course, the rest of the place remains deserted despite lights being on everywhere. How the hell does this bar make any money? Larry, Moe and Curl-, er, Momo and his hardcore KINGZ show up to hit on the girls. Some music begins to play (no, I do NOT know where its coming from) and Monica converses with Momo.
