Speaking of the Keys, Tico the waiter's 5-minute break is just about over as he anxiously stands on the shore, lustily ogling the mysterious garbage bag in the water. Before viewing this movie I read a short plot summary and knew that the garbage bag was going to be full of drugs, but how would Tico know that? I mean, setting it adrift in the ocean is too unreliable for it to have been intentional; it could only be where it now is by accident. My only guess is Tico has a fetish for floating bags of garbage.
It's not trash, its garbage!
Tico nervously looks around some more (in case other garbage bag aficionados are lurking about, I guess) and decides to jump in and grab the bag. He pulls it over to a clump of trees where he can inspect its contents. Hilariously, the stuff in the bag that is supposed to pass for marijuana looks like a bunch of fresh-cut grass mixed with trimmings from a pine tree! As a matter of fact, the shape and color of the grass inside the bag matches the very grass Tico is standing on! If this story took place in the real universe, Tico would have just slapped his head and thought to himself, "Damn, it really was just a bag of garbage!"
Instead, Tico thinks he's struck it rich. He goes back to Dick and they argue in their horribly stilted ways, then Dick fires him. This doesn't bother Tico, after all he just struck the mother lode of mulch-, er, marijuana. He calls up Momo back in LA (you remember, the 'ese' guy), who happens to be a friend of his. Momo asks where the goods came from and Tico says he doesn't know, but drug dealers lose huge amounts of drugs all the time and don't care that much when it happens. Yeah, I suppose they just chalk it up to experience and write it off on their 1040's. Tico wants help in selling the stuff, so Momo immediately decides to drive with his crew (a.k.a. the 2 other guys on the porch) cross-country from LA to the Florida Keys, because gangs that can afford to fly aren't fit to be KINGZ, I guess.
Before Momo's fearsome gang can hit the roads, an acquaintance named Bernard (played by Carl Washington, the co-writer of this dreck) shows up. Bernard happens to be black. He definitely wants everyone to be aware of this, so Bernard calls himself a 'nigga' about 3 seconds after entering frame. Bernard and Momo trade racial barbs about blacks and Mexicans; I hope their exchange isn't meant to ape gritty street lingo, because most suburban fourth-graders speak with more imagination and vulgarity. Bernard appears to strike some low-blow with his wicked zinger that Mexicans eat nachos. Momo pulls out a pistol, showing us that Momo has a short fuse, hates lame jokes, or both. Bernard backs down and makes nice with Momo. Having served his purpose, whatever that might be, Bernard leaves. This insightful scene complete, the three Mexican guys, er, I mean, Momo's fearsome organization, head out on their journey.
Meanwhile, somewhere near the Keys, Cesar and his two 'dogs' decide to stop at the middle of a bridge and pee. Why do it there, you ask? Because LATIN KINGZ pee where they want to, dog! The guys bond by reviving some pecker jokes that went out of fashion during the Crusades. If this scene sounds like it may be funny, I'm doing a poor job of describing it.
It was only a bathroom break, but the Director saw another DVD Special Feature opportunity.
In what seems like a cut to another movie, Monica and her 2 friends are off on their vacation, coincidentally down in the Keys as well. The jabbering trio (what is it with trios in this movie?) of chicks pauses in their journey to shop at a clothing store (finally some realism in this film). They excitedly pick out clothing to purchase and/or try on. It's about time in this movie we got some music-montage clothes-shopping action! The girls try on what looks like several hundred swimsuits, showing them off in the store rather than staying in the dressing room. What seems odd is that they're showing off their outfits while looking and posing directly towards the camera. I know the POV isn't representing any of them because all three of them appear in frame at the same time, giggling like goofballs. If you feel the temptation to compare this 'breaking of the fourth wall' to the courtroom scene at the end of Goodfellas, please resist the urge. All you're going to do is remind yourself that there are movies out there you could be watching that don't suck donkey nuts. On the bright side, the lack of dialogue in this pointless fashion scene makes this the most entertaining and intelligent part of the movie so far.
Momo's gang is now on the highway in their old but shiny car, driving rather slowly. I know the slowness isn't due to a traffic jam, because other cars can be seen passing them so quickly they can barely be identified. At this pace it's going to take a couple sequels for these guys to make it across the country (Please GOD NO!!!). Momo says to make an exit because he has to pee (you got all day to pee Momo and when do you decide to go? Every time! Every ti--). They pull into a gas station and instead of being treated to our second urination scene already, we stay on Benito, who pumps some gas. As he waits, Benito sees a young woman wearing a see-thru knit dress walking toward him and smiling. She comes directly up to him and they start making out, and then.... ahhh, it was all an hallucination; you see, Benito smokes weed a lot, and that causes him to... whatever. He only realizes the girl isn't real when his two buddies come back to find him humping the car. Ugh. As I try to contain my laughter, I realize we've just seen some (alleged) comedy dream sequence, which followed some clothing store montage set to ersatz teen pop music. Exactly what genre of film is this supposed to be, again?
The tension of this story continues to build.
Back to an equally pressing situation, the girls vacationing down in the Keys. We see Monica and the girls jump into a pool. Then they see some dolphins. They see a water-skier in the distance. They break a coconut. They drink some cocktails. They do all of these activities ostensibly during the same afternoon, yet each of them is wearing a different outfit in each cut. Strangely, during all of these activities, not a single other soul is seen on shore anywhere; every place these three girls go is completely deserted. You know how empty Florida beaches always are. To be fair though, it doesn't look like they filmed at a conventional beach, more like some backwater where no one in Florida would choose to go swimming. All the same though, if these girls like it so much, how come no one else is ever around? And why am I giving this crap so much thought?
Back to Momo's gang, as I know you couldn't wait. Having driven maybe four minutes since their last stop, they decide it's time for a rest; they're hungry so they pull into the next exit. What a crazy coincidence that the restaurant they find is called "Senor Jalapenos"! From the outside, it appears to be a real-life restaurant (and I'm sure the owner wants a refund if he paid to have his place advertised in this way). We are treated to a scene of the three guys getting out of the car, then their entire slow walk to the front door. Great. I'm watching the friggin' director's cut here.
Now even this is boring to watch.
