She and the King (Phillip Reed), like most Arabs I'm sure, each speak fluent if clunky English. Prince Dragna walks in and informs his brother the King that Elvis has been kidnapped. He goes on to declare that 'The Assassins', are behind it, 'The Assassins' being some local group that is the King's sworn enemy. Why the Assassins didn't bother to simply kill Elvis or the Prince I have no idea; maybe they're trying to live down their name. Both the King and Prince agree that they must find Elvis before this whole business causes their kingdom international complications. Yeah, you wouldn't want millions of Elvis' middle-aged porky fans flying into your peaceful little kingdom! The Prince also says the Assassins are currently approaching the city. King Toranshah decides to stay in order to keep morale high but orders Princess Shalimar away to safety at their summer palace.
Elvis finally awakens from his comatose state (technically!) to find himself in a small courtyard, where he's being waited on by another of those liberally dressed Arab girls. Normally when waking up after being slipped a 'mickey', one would ask "Who are you?" or "Where am I?" but this being Elvis, he immediately breaks into song, belting out "Is your love just a mirage?" to the servant girl he just met. Like the earlier 'Go East Young Man' this tune is filled with more predictable Middle Eastern/ desert references. More sexy servant girls saunter over to leer at Elvis. He sings "...from a distance you call to me like an Oasis", if not like a fried peanut butter and bacon sandwich, like the future Elvis may have sung.
The song ends and Elvis falls back to sleep. He immediately wakes up again and realizes he's not dreaming... well, duh! The girls inform him he's in "The Garden of Paradise". His pleasant sojourn ends when a bald henchman walks in along with some of the aforementioned Eddie Munster-looking goons. The bald henchguy becomes the first actor in the film to actually attempt an Arabic accent while he shouts "On your feet, American non-believer! We're taking you to Sinan, Lord of the Assassins!" Okay, dude, if you say so... but why bother with all that pretense with the garden and servant women? Oh, it was so we could hear another song; I'm still not used to watching Elvis movies.
He's brought into a room where treacherous Aishah reveals that Lord Sinan of the Assassins is her real master. She tells Elvis the reason he was kidnapped was so she could see if he really "carries death in each bare hand", referring to the movie scene where Elvis slapped the fake leopard... Boy, Aishah really is that stupid! Next, Sinan enters the room and sits upon his little throne. He, like all the other Assassin men, is a white, middle-aged bald guy. Given their demographics, maybe these guys are up to no good because there's no cable TV or cheap beer available in Lunacan. Here's their big plan: they want Elvis to eliminate a "man of great importance". It'll turn out later that they mean King Toranshah but it's kept a secret for a while and for no particular reason. On a funny side note, one of the goons in the room has a remarkable resemblance to Don Rickles; it isn't him though. Oh, what a field day Don might have blasting this movie!
So this film is now sounding similar to the plots of The Three Amigos as well as Galaxy Quest: Our main character is an actor hired by people who have him confused with the heroic roles he portrays. Except in this case, Sinan and Aishah, who are obviously aware that Elvis is an actor, have no excuse other than stupidity to think that Elvis is actually deadly in hand-to-hand combat. Why would Sinan need Elvis to kill the King anyway; isn't he in charge of a group called 'The Assassins'? This would be like Tiger Woods hiring someone to teach his kid how to play golf... or pick up women, for that matter. What's even stupider is that Elvis could nip this conversation in the bud by stressing he's only an actor. Instead, his ego must have gotten the best of him: He declares that "My skill is used for self defense, not for killing people you don't like!" Oh Marcellus Wallace, where are you? We need you to deliver your 'pride' speech to Elvis' character. Of course Sinan doesn't like Elvis' refusal to kill, so he has some of the Munster goons drag him away to get whipped.
Elvis winds up back in the "Garden of Paradise" with the bimbos, who treat his now-whipped back. An old thief walks by to make conversation and unsuccessfully tries to steal Elvis' wallet. Oh no, I smell some irritating comic relief coming on! The thief's name is Zacha and he will by far turn out to be the most unlikable character in the film, in a Jar Jar Binks kind of way. He says that he often works for Sinan; of course, dim-bulb Elvis immediately asks him for help in escaping. Zacha says there is no airport in Lunacan (Didn't Elvis fly over here?) and no American embassy either. He then wastes time by unsuccessfully trying to steal Elvis' wallet again. Elvis wants to know what his problem is; Zacha pulls some more wordy nonsense out of his ass: "...but is it not honorable to try to improve one's position... I too have a taste for the finer things!" The dialogue would be bad enough on its own but the actor playing Zacha feels the need to say everything in a 'Cookie Monster' type of voice. Anyway, he finally agrees to help Elvis in exchange for the promise of money later. He also begins calling Elvis "noble client" for the first of what will seem like thousands of times during the movie. Oddly, Zacha's dialogue is poorly dubbed despite Elvis' being spot-on. Something tells me actor Jay Novello wasn't asked to do much voice-over work in his career. I also cringe in fear knowing that this guy's gonna be around for the rest of the film... it's unfortunate how rarely comic relief characters were killed in the sixties.
That night, Zacha and Elvis hide in a flower-filled pool in the courtyard while the Munster goons take their guard posts. Once again, beholding all these allegedly tough, hardened 'assassins' portrayed by chubby pale rednecks in dumb skullcaps feels jarring, to say the least. Soon enough, Elvis spots his opportunity and pops out of the water to give a passing guard a mild karate chop in the back. Naturally, the goon is out cold. Elvis and Zacha make their way over to a huge tree, which conveniently grows next to and hangs outside the courtyard wall. Okay, first the Assassins believed Elvis' movies are real and then they imprisoned him in a courtyard from which a 5 year old kid could accidentally escape? Hmph... as scheming morons go, these guys are giving the Psychlos a run for their money!
Elvis and Zacha, who never shuts up with his hammy obsequiousness, make their way over the wall, just in time to get away from some Munster goons who've finally noticed them. Even though it's nighttime, they run past some hills and trees in obvious broad daylight. I don't mean overcast skies or poor day-for-night shooting either; I'm talking suntan-causing daylight! One and only one of the Munster goons has a gun... the kingdom of Lunacan must have tough restrictions, like only one firearm per nefarious organization. What's more, the gun seems to be defective, as the goon fires but no sound emanates from it. Thankfully, Elvis splits up with Zacha for now, agreeing to meet up later at "The Pool of Omar". Does every single puddle or bit of construction in Lunacan have a name? What next, Elvis has to take a dump in "The Shitter of the Moons"?
In a matter of seconds since outrunning the goons, Elvis makes his way to another courtyard wall and climbs over. Well, wouldn't you know... he lands in a pool next to where Princess Shalimar is relaxing... small kingdom! Elvis tells her about the Assassins and how they're approaching the area. Shalimar says that she must warn her 'master', being careful not to reveal that she is the Princess or that the King is her father, for some reason. To Elvis, she calls herself "Yanni". Okay, well if you're "Yanni" please avoid playing your music; Elvis looks sleepy enough in this movie already! He gets Shalimar to agree to drop him off on the way to reach her 'master'. By the way, as an actress, let's call Mary Ann Mobley the poor man's Kim Darby. Yeah... I know.
Shalimar, still keeping her identity secret, and Elvis ride on horseback past green trees and fields of grass and rivers and more stuff rarely seen in most of the Middle East. They stop at the "Pool of Omar", which looks like your basic North American or European swimming hole. Zacha hasn't shown up yet so I hoped in vain that the Assassins caught him and skinned his annoying ass alive. This break in the film gives Elvis the chance to put the mack on Shalimar. He tells her "You'd be somethin' to take back to Hollywood!" She responds with "...but I'm only a slave girl!" Exactly, Shalimar, like he said! Oh never mind; from the way she talks I can tell that even chicken-crossing-the-road jokes go over her head.
Elvis breaks into song once again, oddly enough at an appropriate moment. It's a lovey-dovey tune, which ends with him giving Shalimar a kiss; he then offers to buy her freedom from whoever her master is. She coyly (at least for her) says that her master would first want to know why Sinan kidnapped him. He lets out that he was supposed to "...assassinate some man of great importance", so the screenwriter can breathe a sigh of relief. Shalimar freaks out though, since she suspects the man of importance is her father the King. She runs away from Elvis and takes all three horses with her. Once she's gone, Zacha pops out of a hiding place like a stray ear hair you swore you plucked earlier. Exactly why the annoying dork was hiding is left unexplained.
Zacha explains to Elvis that it will be difficult to escape the assassins' reach, since they guard the only two mountain passes that lead anywhere. He doesn't explain how Princess Shalimar can get around so easily though, despite the fact that the Assassins would surely like to capture her. He also calls Elvis "noble client" another hundred times or so. Anyway, their best bet is to try to join a musical and dancing troupe that's expected to traverse a mountain pass to Taj, the capital city, in four days time. Got all that? It doesn't matter anyway.
