I'm now jarred loose by overhead quick-cuts of Manhattan streets and yellow cabs, to remind us for the 24th time that we are definitely, absolutely, positively in New York City… except when we're indoors… or on a set… or not watching these stupid quick-cuts. Billie visits a social services office to seek help in finding her mother; evidently this is her first-ever attempt to locate her. You know… the mother she can't think about without bawling or writing a song in tribute. At any rate, the office can't find her; I guess no homes in the area have been torched by cigarettes for several years.
Following more transition shots of the Chrysler and Empire State Buildings, two structures I used to admire before I started watching this film, we return to the recording studio for our 53rd scene in that locale. The record execs are in a hurry to finish Billie's album, as her "Didn't mean to turn you on" single has been at number one for ten weeks, which only saddens me as an American. We also are shown a copy of SPIN magazine (not yet in existence in 1983), which has named Dice as the "DJ of the year". Apparently Dice can play other people's music like no one else can. The execs want Billie to work with other producers besides Dice, however, in an effort to do other things, like make listenable songs. Dice says he's okay with this idea, though he barely hides his disgust. Immature tantrum number three is surely right around the corner.
In a limo, Kelly the publicist shockingly announces that Billie has been asked to perform at the upcoming "USA music awards". They both shriek in surprise, though I don't see why; I'd think an awards show wouldn't hesitate to invite the singer of the #1 song for the last ten weeks. Kelly convinces Billie to cancel her date with Dice to go to the show's rehearsal, which is taking place immediately. I have a feeling this isn't how awards shows work: "Hi, Mister 50 Cent? Would you mind performing at our awards show this year? Great! The rehearsal is in ten minutes, no ifs ands or buts." Oh well, whatever displeases Dice must be a good thing, I suppose.
In the meantime, Dice is at home having a jazz music jam session with some random pals. He's careful not to touch the xylophone though, as he wouldn't want the guys to find him sexually irresistible. At the awards show rehearsal, Billie spots acclaimed singer (in this film, anyway) Rafael plunking away at the piano. Rafael is played by Eric Benet, a musician of little note who is nonetheless famous, or rather, infamous, for cheating on then-wife Halle Berry. Appearing in a movie like this isn't going to change people's minds about Mr. Benet's severe lack of intelligence or judgment. Rafael then checks out Billie as she further drills "I Didn't Mean to Turn You On" into my head, much in the same way that slug burrowed into Chekhov's ear in The Wrath of Khan.
At the awards ceremony, photographers take lots of pictures of Billie while brushing off Dice, as they properly should. In the background, some guy who looks like the a Colonel of Harlem's Nazi party walks by, apropos of nothing. Things like that just happen in movies like this, one shouldn't ask why. In their apartment, Roxanne and Louise hysterically bicker about what to wear to the awards show, if only to remind us how annoying they still are. Later, as big-shots mingle at an after-awards party, a movie producer introduces himself to Billie. Dice then butts in, saying he'd love to score films. The producer hilariously blows him off, saying "Maybe someday you will, Deuce" before leaving. Its obvious by now that what Dice needs is one of those boxing ring girls to walk by, holding up a sign saying "Nobody cares about you, dickhead!"
Mr. Richardson's fellow record exec Jack-or-something shows up to re-introduce Rafael to Billie, who tells her she's incredible because we've only been reminded of her amazing extraordinary deliciousness a couple dozen times thus far. Can you guess Dice's reaction to all of this? Mature as ever, Dice forces Billie into the limo with Roxanne and Louise. He now criticizes Billie's dress then argues with her friends. In a moment of clarity he calls Louise a "fat ass", dismisses Roxanne as a "roach bag" and calls the screenwriters "typical hacks". Maybe I added that last part, in the spirit of the moment. Roxanne and Louise storm out of the limo but conflicted Billie stays put, due to her chronic inability to grow a spine.
In Dice's bathroom, Billie sits and cries, having decided that maybe she should go move back in with fatass and roachbag. Dice tells her he's sorry and all seems well and good again between them. It seems Dice is getting off lightly for his behavior, but I'm sure he'll hear Billie rant about it months later out of nowhere, given women and their strange timing. That night, Billie puts her morose face on for a walk to nowhere in particular. She sees an old deranged woman singing to herself. Unlike 99 percent of people who would sensibly adjust their walking route accordingly, Billie grows hopeful as she gets closer and finds out… it's not her mother. Too bad, that means the so-satisfying and totally un-contrived reunion scene is still to come.
The next day, or week, or year or whatever, Billie returns to Dice's place but he isn't home. Producer Timothy is, however, and threatens Billie physically. She learns Dice had agreed to pay a hundred grand for the rights to produce her but hasn't come up with the money yet. Later on, Billie dimly tells Dice all about what Timothy did and said, before leaving for a guest spot on a TV show. Of course, hotheaded Dice runs off, finds Timothy on the street, and beats the crap out of him.
While backstage for her TV show appearance, Billie gets a call from Dice, telling her he's in jail. Billie leaves immediately with her publicist to go bail him out. Billie is angry now, telling Dice "I'm not gonna let you ruin everything I'm working for!" While Dice retorts that "If it wasn't for me you'd be waiting tables". Dice then brings up the subject of Billie's worthless mom, which gets him slapped. At this point, there's no one to root for; they've both been acting like self-centered douchebags. Why would Billie explicitly point out that Timothy threatened her, knowing full well how hot Dice's temper is? What was she expecting Dice to do after she left, just call Timothy asking if he has King Oscar in a can? As for Dice, he knew she was scheduled that evening on a popular talk show; couldn't his call from jail have waited an hour or two? Why couldn't he have called someone else to bail him out instead? I guess he selfishly wanted her to know he put Timothy in the hospital for her. What an asswipe.
Billie breaks things off with Dice, leaving his apartment with her pussy in tow. Pussy-cat, that is. Never again will Dice be able to stroke her pussy…. cat. Now Billie won't have help when it comes time to wash her pu… okay, I'm sorry. It was my first opportunity to be entertained in a while. Next we're treated to a slow, sad piano-rific montage: Billie sits around doing nothing; Dice plays his piano morosely; Billie sadly walks around; a Native American man cries at a broken bag of garbage… well they may as well, you know?
During our eighty-fourth trip to the recording studio, Jack the exec re-re-introduces Billie to Rafael, here to record a duet with her. The two of them musically moan in a way that many people who are not me find so agreeable. In very short order, we hear their finished, layered, recorded pop track, as pop music isn't nearly as much of a chore to create as it is to hear. Billie and Rafael sit around listening to the song for over a full minute. That doesn't sound long, but imagine watching a film where people sit around listening to music while doing absolutely nothing. Now count to around seventy. Don't forget to say "Mississippi"!
