We get some quick cuts of Manhattan skyscrapers in another failed effort to convince us we're even in the same country as New York. Dice and Billie walk into the CMZ record company offices the next day. Billie's "I Didn't Mean to Turn You On" is piped through the office, ensuring that I'm now sick of two songs from the film. Everyone in the office greets Billie and Dice and they all enjoy a champagne toast. Is this really how record companies greet every unrecorded, just-signed talent? Oh, I forgot how special Billie is for a moment, its been over a minute since the movie last told me.
Christ almighty, now we see a quick shot of the George Washington Bridge; at the rate they're going with these shots, we're gonna be looking at post offices in Staten Island by the end of the film. Outside Billie's apartment, Dice waits for her next to a limo for what looks like a date. Inside, Billie prepares while buddies Louise and Roxanne go through the usual tired girl-friend spiel. Louise warns Billie, "Don't you be gettin' all freaky on da first date!" while Roxanne advises, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" Oh, shoot me now. Billie insists its not a date while Louise and Roxanne continue their annoying banter. We see Dice still standing outside. Behind him is a convenience store displaying the current blue-labeled Pepsi, which didn't exist until at least the early nineties. I could always be wrong though; maybe it had been introduced in Ontario already… the 'New York' part of Ontario, of course.
Eventually, Dice and Billie make their way to a fancy restaurant. Following bad-movie law, the fancy restaurant serves them something unusual, in this case the old reliable escargot. Of course, Billie hesitates at the thought of eating it. I wonder why Dice didn't simply spend two seconds convincing her to eat it, as that's all it should take. She asks him why he gave her a rose and if they're on a date. Oh, just fucking get to it already! This film could've been done in ten goddamn minutes! The limo pulls over near Dice's apartment. He invites her in, saying he's gotta go pick something up. He may as well say, "Join me; I've got to go pick something up, like your ass." After the typical four seconds it takes to convince her, Billie follows him.
As per usual in films set in New York City, Dice has a gigantic home that is far beyond the means of anyone who makes less than a Fortune 500 CEO or mediocre Major League Baseball player. This place would still be very expensive, say, in Toronto, where this scene is surely not taking place, I'm certain. Billie is wildly surprised upon learning that Dice owns musical instruments, even though he works as a DJ, wants to become a record producer, and never shuts up about music. Dice impresses her by stating Quincy Jones started his career as a musician, which is about as revealing as saying Prince likes purple. It turns out Dice didn't actually need to stop at home for anything; it was just an excuse to con Billie upstairs, not that conning Billie is a terribly difficult task. We next learn that Dice knows the real secret to a woman's heart - unusual musical instruments! This is proven because Billie gets all moist while Dice shows off his basic skills on his xylophone. Soon enough, Dice gets the opportunity to show her his skin flute, in a PG-rated way, of course. They spend the night together, and why not? Like Dice said, the record company is paying for the limo, likely still waiting outside, well into overtime.
In the studio to work on Billie's album with the big-shot record label, Dice is frustrated with all the extra layers of polish added into her songs; the sort of overproduced junk one hears on albums by people like Mariah Carey. He advises Billie to simply "…sing this as you would sing this!" which is about as retarded a piece of advice as "…it's always in the last place you look!"
That night, Billie and Dice hear her new pop single playing in a taxicab, which is odd since few New York City cabs play music other than Bollywood soundtracks or Arabic hymns. Dice demands the cabbie stop in the middle of the street and blast the music. I have a suspicion that every nighttime street scene in the film is taking place on the exact same set. In further evidence that this film lacks New York realism, the folks stuck in traffic don't immediately threaten to wrap Dice's spine around a telephone pole in colorful language. Billie calls her friends to tell them to turn on their radios. Louise and Roxanne hear Billie's song and then dance in their uncanny "bouncing seizure" style, not seen again until the WAY-too-happy ending of The Return of the King.
Next we are in a film studio to shoot Billie's music video. Billie and her dancers are all done up in makeup, while Billie is basically in a bikini. I'm not one to complain about Mariah Carey in a bikini but it's usually the backup dancers who are scantily clad in these sorts of productions. Its better this way I suppose; the sight of Da Brat sporting a bikini might confuse viewers into thinking this is a Discovery channel show involving the treatment of an injured horse.
The video director says of Billie "I wanna see more of her breasts", a sentiment to which I can relate, as it would certainly beat anything the film has shown me thus far. He also says that Louise and Roxanne, 'ethnically' chattering like jackasses as per usual, are a joke, and should be let go. The film is obviously making the director out to be an arrogant prick, but I see him as the only voice of reason in this entire movie. Billie's publicist Kelly (Ann Magnuson) shows up and chatters away about publicist-type stuff. A crew of scantily-clad male dancers now surrounds Billie as they begin to re-shoot the video. Mr. Richardson tries to cool down Dice, now angry and jealous, though I doubt Billie 'sells' what those dancers like to 'buy', if you get me. Dice finally loses it, grabs Billie and pulls her away from the shoot, as it was looking too much like an actual Mariah Carey video.
In the record office/studio the next day, Kelly the publicist shows off some sexy new outfits for Billie to wear. Dice is still on the rag, though, dismissing the new duds as making her look like 'Titsy the pornstar". He stomps off pouting now for the second time in a few minutes. To make things worse he runs into Timothy the producer, still trying to make Sylk a successful singer. Timothy now wants his hundred grand that Dice had promised him in exchange for producing Billie. Dice now refuses to pay, telling Timothy "It was a bullshit deal and you know it!" I can't understand why Dice doesn't just pay the guy; he can obviously afford it if he's able to pay the rent on a gigantic home in Manhattan. Timothy ominously tells Dice he'll see him soon. You see him now, Timothy! Why not break his legs right here? Pretty please?
Back at Dice's ridiculous apartment, Billie surprises him with a new electronic piano. He clumsily invites her to move in with him. Billie quickly agrees, and didn't even have to be asked twice this time, like she was with every other decision. Later, while unpacking a box of her things, she comes across a box of stuff that reminds her of her mother. She stops to stare at it meaningfully, as if in a trance. I'm wondering why this is such a shock for her. Obviously Billie has owned this box since she was a kid, and if she's unpacking it, she must have just seen the box when she packed it for the trip over. Billie tells Dice about a recurring dream she has of her mother watching her on TV and being proud of her, wishing she never gave her up. So now we finally learn that her mother gave her up, where it originally looked like her mom was deemed unfit to mother due to cigarette abuse.
For more film-padding activity, Billie slowly plays the piano and warbles some misty pap vaguely about dear old useless mommy. Relatively speaking, this scene isn't too bad; the musical interlude provides a respite from the dumb lines and plot points. Dice quietly walks in and watches her in a harmless-stalker way.
