Morning comes and Brian calls a number in Australia that gives weather reports, which is simply flat-out hilarious. You see, he is too innocent to realize the call is expensive! Now that's how you do comedy, folks! A detective stops by, played by Christopher Walken, who is here if only to perpetuate the fact that he is willing to appear in absolutely any movie. The police are aware of the kidnapping and Walken is suspicious of Ben.
The two of them have a pointless conversation, this film's distinguishing characteristic. Before leaving, Walken proves that, like Affleck, he's a master of threatening verbal jabs:
"go down to Marie Callender's, get me a big bowl, pie, some ice cream on it, mmmm good. Put some on your head your tongue would slap your brains out trying to get to it. Interested?"
That was such a blindsided punch of nonsense that I half expected either the Bizarro Superman to walk in next or that Monty Python knight who slapped people with a fish. They don't, of course, and now I'm reminded of two more of the ten thousand things I'd rather be watching.
Anyway, the next day Ben and JLO bring out Brian for a drive... in broad daylight... in the convertible... with the top down. I'm pretty sure Brian is still the KIDNAPEE, unless I missed some plot development while stabbing my eardrums. At least, after TWENTY-SEVEN minutes, we have a scene outside Ben's goddamned apartment. Anyway, with Brian in tow, they go to a restaurant (let's bring our kidnapee to a public place) where some movie-style punks (AKA lily-white kids with overdone hairdos) are playing loud music. Ben demands they lower it (let's loudly bring attention to ourselves). The gang threatens to beat him (if only!).
JLO steps forward and makes an absolutely ridiculous speech about some kung-fu eye-gouging nonsense that was so forced I'm surprised her throat didn't explode. Suspend disbelief, `cause the SEVEN punks fearfully back away. Anyway, that scene at least fulfills the quota of 'I'm such a tough/better person than anybody' speeches that are mandatory for every character JLO has ever played.
Ben goes to his mom's house. Ben's mom is played by Lainie Kazan. Now I'm convinced the film is a test to find out how much pain an audience can tolerate.. He has to 'comically' cut something on her underwear. Great, a shot of buttcheeks in the movie but instead of JLO's its Lainie Kazan's. She gives Ben a slap meant to elicit laughs but really elicits our envy. You see, its funny because she's a movie Italian, and if there's one thing those wacky, emotional Italians love, it's slapping each other silly. I assume the scene with her force-feeding Ben meatballs while shouting "Mangia! Mangia!" was left on the cutting room floor. Brian then volunteers that he has to pee. Coincidentally, I have to vomit.
At Ben's apartment, Ben catches Brian calling Australia again because that bit is just too funny to ever get old. Brian states he calls that number because he likes the voice of the girl giving the weather report. As a matter of fact, I like the weathergirl too, possibly because she's the only person in the film who ever makes any kind of POINT! Ben pesters JLO, who's doing some yoga. For five minutes, Ben and JLO debate which private part is superior. I suppose that was comedic banter, though comedy doesn't usually give me such sharp head pain. Louis calls to check in but Brian picks up; they argue `comically'. Louis wants to get tougher with the DA, so he orders Ben to cut off Brian's thumb to mail it as a warning. Ben reluctantly agrees. Given the films Ben stars in, I doubt he turns any idea down.
The next morning Brian's dancing and rapping. Wow, you can't beat a retarded white kid rapping when it comes to mining for comedy gold. When was this movie written, 1985? A woman knocks; Ben lets her in. She says, "fuck", so now her character's been established too. It turns out she's Robin, JLO's ex-lover (well who isn't?) and wants her back. Everybody argues loudly. What is this movie about, again? Depressed Robin runs into the kitchen and cuts her wrists. Wouldn't it be easier to just hire a new agent instead? They rush Robin to the hospital to get bandaged and that turns out to be the last we see of her in this film. So now this film has become a mystery, as someone needs to investigate why in hell we spent all that time on Robin.
Maybe all that nonsense with Robin was meant to bring our leads to the hospital, though they could have easily come here themselves. Ben and JLO decide to get a thumb from a corpse in the morgue, rather than cut off Brian's thumb. That's a brilliant idea, since everyone knows the FBI regards fingerprinting as ancient superstition. JLO asks Ben, "Are you with me?" Ben says, "sure", but JLO has a problem with the word "sure" and how it is different than the word "yes", beginning a debate about whether "sure" does or doesn't mean the same thing as "yes"; an argument some concussed 3-year-olds might have.
Ben sneaks into the unlocked, unsupervised morgue with no problem. No surprise there, as he's already proven his the ability to sneak into any place, except a good film. Ben obtains a corpse's thumb with a plastic knife. Never mind, just go with it. Brian raps some more, to satisfy whatever masochistic bastards there are who hunger for more of that hilarity.
The next day, Ben gets all teary-eyed, babbling about how he feels about JLO and frustrated that she's a lesbian. Yep, Ben's character sure is a hardcore wiseguy to the bone. Then, in Ben's apartment, JLO makes a `funny' speech about how masculine and feminine men check their fingernails. Mine are currently embedded into my skull. Louis calls and schedules a meeting.
JLO relents to bitchy Ben and our two stars get it on in a PG-13 way. JLO's character likes women, but I guess Ben with his plucked eyebrows and manicures is a passable-enough replica. This is Ben's second film, the first being Chasing Amy, in which he has converted a lesbian; I would think lesbians might protest this juvenile plot contrivance but like everyone else, they made an even wiser call and ignored this stupid film altogether.
