Upon reflection this movie calls to mind the dopey (but compared to this, a work of genius) The Perfect Storm, not only because I'd have loved to have seen the leads in Gigli get smashed by three hurricanes but because the title of that film would be so appropriate for this one. Not since, well, maybe ever, has every aspect surrounding a film been this disastrous.
First off, why oh why was this script ever approved for use in anything beyond kindling? Secondly, how do you market a film with an incomprehensible plot? It isn't really a crime drama, it certainly isn't a comedy (despite its lame attempts), it isn't really a romance, and the trailer displays doubt that either Ben or JLO's characters will be painfully tortured in the film. Third, what think-tank at the studio thought Gigli would be an attractive title? By doing that, you're already turning off the couple hundred mutants who might actually be entertained by this crap, thinking the film is in some foreign language.
Fourth, at a time when Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez's relationship was receiving more TV coverage than a global nuclear war would, who thought people were going to plunk down cash to go see them babble for another two-plus hours? Regrettably, I plunked down cash to rent it but only for scientific purposes. A bad-film reviewer who avoids Gigli is like a cat that avoids butt-licking… only difference being the cat actually accomplishes something… and has more fun.
Our main character is Larry Gigli, but we know him as the notorious Ben Affleck, so for this review I'll just call him Ben. He plays a low-level mobster tough-guy in possibly the greatest miscasting since Melanie Griffith's streetwise detective in the horrid A Stranger Among Us. We open at a laundromat, where toughguy Ben (stop laughing) has a man trapped in a dryer. The guy in the dryer owes money to Louis, Ben's boss. Ben physically threatens the guy in the dryer by rambling on about something he could do to him involving shoelaces and body moisture; this is the sort of "cool" threatening speech that exists only in the world of hack writing. If Ben wanted to threaten him more effectively, he'd carry a portable DVD player running Pearl Harbor.
Ben says the word "fuck" a lot, so we can tell he's tough. Sad how director/writer Martin Brest, who's been around the block, chose to try his hand at Tarantino-style dialogue, just like about forty-nine thousand or so young hack directors have since Pulp Fiction was released. Such hacks know what Tarantino's dialogue sounds like but have yet to understand its purpose.
Ben then meets with Louis. Louis chews out Ben for not beating up the laundromat guy, which brings to mind a similar speech from the loan shark in Rocky, the only difference being that Rocky was not a pointless piece of crap full of overlong scenes. Louis says "fuck" a lot, so he's tough too, if not imaginative. Finally, we get to a plot point. Louis is a low-level creep who answers to Mr. Starkman, who is the big boss and also the target of a district attorney determined to bring him down.
Having concocted an idiotic idea to help his boss, Louis orders Ben to kidnap a relative of the DA's, a young man named Brian, who currently resides in a mental institution. In Louis' words, the DA thinks of Brian as a "beloved relative with certain psychological defects"; no, he's not talking about the screenwriter.
Ben heads out to the institution. Conveniently, it seems that all of the security guards took the day off as he strolls right in and sits down to speak with Brian (Justin Bartha). Understandably, Brian is apprehensive; his face looks like that of someone asked to watch a Ben Affleck movie. Brian loosens up enough to say "fuck", so at least we know he's irreverent. He then babbles about how he wants to go see "the Baywatch", apparently his favorite show. Martin Brest can giggle at that show all he wants, but the most vapid episode of Baywatch is The Maltese Falcon compared to this.
Naturally, Ben has little trouble convincing Brian to leave with him, nor does he have any difficulty getting out of there with Brian in tow. I suppose it was 'open house' day. In the first of many brilliant moves to come, Ben takes his talkative kidnapee to his apartment. Brian starts getting homesick and they have difficulty getting along. Gee, I wonder if they'll put aside their animosity and eventually develop a true friendship?
Later on, JLO knocks at the door, asking to use Ben's phone. Of course, dumbass Ben lets her in while Brian stands in plain sight. She soon says "fuck" in order to establish her own streetwise toughness and personality. She portrays Ricki, another gangster type or whatever but I'll just keep calling her JLO, since that's the only character she actually ever plays. She and Ben stare at each other for a moment, then Ben asks her "Do we know each other?" Clever! JLO turns to mischievous Brian and tells him "you're a very handsome young man", for what reason I have no clue; maybe JLO is lining him up to be her ninth husband or whatever number she's up to by the time you're reading this. JLO tells Ben, "I heard you were a fuckup", so I guess she's read reviews of Forces of Nature.
Louis calls Ben to inform him he hired JLO because of the operation's importance. Why he didn't tell Ben about her beforehand or even why he hired Ben in the first place, I haven't a clue. Oh yes I do, it was so we could have this rice-paper thick story. JLO and Ben argue in ways that no real humans would argue, in that its just lots of 'cool' hack speechifying. Ben then says something to top off the forced exchanges:
"... sit at my fucking feet. Gather the pearls that emanate forth from me…"
This film may be too deep for me. Was Ed Wood the real screenwriter? No, he couldn't have been, his films were bad but not this damn slow or boring. From his stupid speech, I guess Ben is laughably pointing out that he's an all-knowing veteran mobster. That's only slightly sillier than taking the literal meaning of him being an oyster with feet. Wouldn't be that of course, that sounds fairly interesting.
During some more pointless babble, Brian, with some much-more believable dialogue, tells Ben he's an idiot. We also discover that Brian likes to be read to before sleeping (Read him the script!). Unsurprisingly, Ben doesn't own books. Later, JLO reads a book. If this sounds like it's all very exciting then I'm not describing it very well. Ben finds out she's a lesbian. And that's about it for that scene. Did I mention that we've been stuck in Ben's apartment since the ten minute mark of the movie? High-school students putting on their first play know more about the value of transitions more than the Hollywood vets behind this pile of crap.
