Erika comes off as slightly snotty, but nothing too bad. Aaron is informed that he will escort her on a much-ballyhooed cruise on a famous ship full of rich big-shots and celebrities. Needless to say (but I will anyway; don't you hate when people do that?), Aaron hates cruises, even more than he hates planes. Erika teases him then makes him get in the plane to give him a ride. Now, now, get your mind out of the gutter. I'll clear this up right now… we don't get to see Erika's two greatest talents at any point in this film so this movie doesn't even have that (or those?) going for it.
We see the plane perform all sorts of stunt moves, such as loops and barrel-rolls, but each time we cut to an interior shot of the cabin, it looks like Gloria and Aaron aren't moving at all. I won't go on any further about that, since that's like pointing out goldfish in an aquarium full of blue whales. The plane develops some generic engine trouble; Aaron takes over and lands it, thus ending that bit of suspense.
Cut to the cruise ship shortly before departure. It's a festive atmosphere, with rich folks drinking and cheering amid confetti and streamers. The passengers are just partying like its 1999. Sorry. Oddly, the folks on the dock who they're waving to look straight out of the early seventies, with plaid clothing and hair in buns and those ugly curls. Jesus, this film is so cheap they had to rent old stock footage of people standing at a pier and waving? Maybe, once again, this film exists in the Star Trek universe, and this port just happens to coexist with a rent in the time-space continuum.
Inside the ship, snobby rich guy (I guess I don't need to add 'snobby' to 'rich' as they automatically go together in these kinds of films) and ship owner Paul Miller, with his big ugly henchman, stores some valuables in the ship's safe. After he leaves, one of the security guards gives the unsolicited comment, "…rich bastards.". I'm just guessing, but if he has issues guarding rich people's belongings, maybe he should have looked past the job listing "Security guard of safe on world-famous cruise ship" when he examined the help-wanted ads. On a side-note, I once worked in a deli but was able to avoid hating people who enjoy cheese.
Above deck, Aaron follows Gloria around until he runs across TV news reporter Teri, apparently a significant ex-girlfriend. She's there to cover the return to the seas of the 'Britannic'. Teri says that this is "the biggest thing to happen since the Queen Mary hit Long Beach", which would literally mean, of course, that absolutely nothing of consequence has happened since the Queen Mary hit Long Beach. No matter, though, 'cause Teri (Heidi Schanz) is smokin' hot! I was pleasantly surprised to see that Teri the reporter was a well-adjusted character, rather than the stereotypical bitchy jealous 'ex'. Back when they were an item, Aaron taught some self-defense skills to Teri, and Teri proudly pulls out a little container of mace disguised as lipstick. I'm sure this device won't ever come in handy at any point in the film. We get a glimpse of Ice-T and Claudia Christian strolling around the deck, looking like the world's most poorly disguised terrorists. Ice-T's character is named "Josef", but I'm just going to keep calling him Ice-T, because the man who starred in Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo and Johnny Mnemonic transcends all roles.
An actor you might not know by name but would probably recognize from a dozen other things is Stephen Macht, here playing the ship's Captain. He beams with pride: I guess he hasn't seen the stock-footage exterior of the ship, which looks like a rusty old hunk of crap. From some dialogue, we've heard that an enormous amount of time and money was spent refurbishing the ship, putting it on a par with the world's finest. This makes it all the more puzzling why they couldn't find stock footage of something that doesn't look like a junkheap being towed out for jet fighter target practice. Maybe the producers got a really cheap two-for-one stock footage deal for this and the people waving from the pier in 1971 that was too good to pass up.
The rusty boat plods out to sea and problems begin popping up right away. We learn that snobby owner Paul cut some safety corners in order to save cash on the refurbishing. Below deck, a crewman tells an officer there's a problem in a storage area. After the officer does some pointless bitching, he and the crewman go find what turns out to be a leak in the hull. This looks like the beginning of a major problem though its generally ignored for the rest of the film, thus rendering the last few minutes of the film pointless, I mean, particularly pointless.
Meanwhile, from what I thought at first was another movie, a mechanic played by comic actor Rick Ducommun wanders around what looks like an old decrepit Soviet arms factory. Actually, this is supposed to be this world-famous ship's innards. Mechanic Rick chats with another mechanic. In case you didn't know they were mechanics from their yellow hardhats, jumpsuits and the fact they're in an ugly room full of pipes and crap, they helpfully smeared grease on their faces. I think that's a movie rule, not sure which number it is though.
A young woman appears down below (not in that way, guys) so Rick advises his mechanic buddy, who may as well now be wearing a red Starfleet shirt (ST reference #3!) to go check it out. Of course, the woman turns out to be Claudia Christian (who we will learn is named Max, so I'll call her that from now on). She forces mechanic buddy guy at gunpoint to take her to the area where the safe is, which he does like a moron. Max shoots him then meets up with Ice-T and some tough guy in a suit who looks like he's from the Gambino family's rent-a-heavy store. They grab some guns and assault rifles they apparently brought aboard without a problem; this cruise ship must have West Virginian registry.
At a party in the club/lounge, Paul schmoozes with Gloria while Paul's big ugly bodyguard exchanges comic (sort of) banter with Aaron. A famous and very lonely football star named Phil shows up to hit on Teri. Leave her alone Phil, she's mine! The Captain advises his officers to watch the bridge while he leaves to change clothes for the dinner party. At least, that's what he says. I just think Stephen Macht is looking for a way out of this film so he can go back to making better movies like Amityville: Its About Time or Graveyard Shift.
Down in the old factory… um… engine room, mechanic Rick chats with another two mechanics, and yes, also have the union-mandated facial grease smears. Mafia-rental guy shows up and shoots the two mechanics. Rick is able to sneak up and hit the suit guy with a pipe. He then grabs suit guy's gun, shoots him, then wails about his dead buddy while tragic music plays. As a comedian, I'm sure Rick Ducommun had to be laughing at least a little on the inside.
