Here we go with one of the more famous bad films in history, 1962's Eegah, another in a long list of cheapo fare cranked out in California's Bronson Canyon. Eegah was produced, written and directed by Arch Hall Sr., who used his profits earned from The Choppers, a teenage delinquent flick. He made Eegah in an apparent attempt to make a singing/acting star out of his son, Arch Hall Jr.; the movie would only prove that Arch Hall Jr. was not meant for show business. Hall Sr., in an odd bit of casting, made his real-life secretary Marilyn Manning his son's love interest in the film. Talk about a demanding boss! Actually, come to think of it that's a pretty good idea; why shell out dough on both a secretary and a real actress at the same time? Hall Sr. himself stars as Manning's father in the film. The sole notable actor here, of course, is Richard Kiel, the future and arguably most famous Bond henchman of all time. Reportedly, Arch Hall Sr. got the whole idea to write Eegah when he first met the seven-foot-two Kiel.
The film begins with a lingering shot of a desert, the first of many lingering shots to follow. The credits begin; they're crudely painted on blankets worn by mummies. Flowers and fog surround the mummies. We hear some lazy guitar strumming. Some of the credits are filmed out-of-focus while others are simply too sloppy-looking to read. The credits progress slowly. Boy, this film is gonna suck hard.
A young woman who will be known as Roxy Miller leaves a clothing store at night and hops into her little convertible. Roxy is played by Marilyn Manning, Arch Hall Sr.'s aformentioned secretary. We get to watch Roxy's thrilling drive over to a gas station. Tom the station attendant (Arch Hall Jr.) greets her and it's apparent they have some sort of relationship. Tom sounds like a happy-go-lucky teenager and wears a disturbingly greasy, out-of-control hairdo (even by 1962 standards) and beady, bird-like eyes. Before I go any further I should mention that this entire film was dubbed and none of the actors seem to have been very good at lip-synching themselves. For the rest of this review, assume that all dialogue sounds like it's coming out of a tin can and doesn't even come close to matching what's on screen.
Roxy tells Tom to follow her to a club and takes off. Though young, Roxy still looks significantly older than Tom and seems several leagues above his. Of course, Tom has the advantage of being the director's son. Tom gives some unsolicited information to a customer regarding Roxy's father, Robert I. Miller (Arch Hall Sr.), who is an author of adventure books. I for one would not classify such a fact as worthy enough to share with strangers but I'm not the most talkative person either. His thoughts still on Roxy, Tom forgets to pay attention to the task at hand, and overflows the customer's gas tank. This would turn out to be the funniest of this film's several attempts at humor. Yes, that's how bad this movie is. In a particularly bad dub rivaling the worst kung-fu dubs of the seventies, Tom apologizes to the customer for being absent-minded. At least the kung-fu films have the excuse of having been filmed in a different language.
While driving through a dark area Roxy sees what appears to be a huge guy dressed like a caveman in the road. She hits her brakes but still knocks the giant guy over. He stands up and appears to be okay. Giant guy picks up a small dead deer from the front of the car (?), while we listen to the sounds of sheep or goat bleating (!?!). I have a feeling Arch Hall Sr. didn't grow up on a farm. Upon getting an up-close look at Giant guy, Roxy faints. He walks over to her and we hear some badly dubbed mumbling, reminiscent of Mako's mumbling when he prayed to revive Conan the Barbarian. Throughout the film, we will get to enjoy this constant mumbling noise whenever the giant guy is on screen, regardless of whether or not his mouth is moving.
Giant guy keeps looking at Roxy, who is now only pretending to be unconscious. He inadvertently bumps into the car horn and reacts by raising his club as if to attack the car. Another car is coming down the road however, so the giant guy runs away. The driver of the other car turns out to be Tom. He gets out of a beautiful red and white Corvette, which reminds me that there are some nice things in the world, things that make sense and don't suck. Freaked-out Roxy tells him she saw a giant but collects herself enough to continue on to the club with Tom.
This club turns out to be one of those family-oriented places, with dining for the old farts and a pool for the teens. Tom and Roxy's father Mr. Miller (Arch Hall Sr., the architect of this disaster of a movie) are there with another older guy who is either a colleague of Mr. Miller's or a drunk who was too lazy to get out of the shot. She tells them her story about the giant and they are naturally skeptical. Mr. Miller, sounding like he's had more than a few martinis, quotes some Bible passage: "There were giants in the earth, in those days...". I'm not sure if that's really from the Bible, maybe Dad was thinking of The Lord of the Rings. Eventually, Dad gives in and agrees to take her back to the same road in the morning to look around.
The next day Tom, Roxy and her Dad are out on the barren stretch of road looking around. Tom walks out into the brushy desert and I notice that with each scene his slimy hair seems to be moving further and further forward, stretching the laws of gravity. He spots a huge footprint. Dad inspects it and halfheartedly proclaims "It must have been made by a..."; Roxy, in a shrill annoying voice, demands him to "Say it!" Dad gives in and says "...giant!" Without moving his lips and prompted by nothing I can think of, Dad tells Tom and Roxy to "Watch out for snakes!" I suppose if they were at the beach he'd tell them to "Watch out for sharks!"
Anyway, Roxy seems overjoyed by the news that Dad now believes her story. She hugs Tom, carefully moving her head to the side so as not to get gored by his anvil-like hairdo. Dad advises Roxy to stay in the car while he and Tom look around; Roxy objects with "It's my giant!" They all search the area; by area I mean a thirty-foot radius around their car. Nothing happens; Tom regrets not bringing his dune buggy for deeper exploration. Dad says he'll come back later himself to try to find the giant, so as to write a book about it (!?) I'm not very enthusiastic about the idea him writing a book, given how his screenplay has turned out so far. Dad also needs to explain to dense Roxy as to why they should all keep this 'giant story' a secret for now.
Either later or the next day (the film starts to get fuzzy about time as the story progresses) the gang walks toward a helicopter. The sounds of chopper blades spinning and an engine running are dubbed in even though the helicopter hasn't been turned on yet. Dad sports a pith helmet and safari shorts, an unusual outfit for traversing arid mountainous regions; I guess you go exploring with the clothing you have and not the clothing you want, to paraphrase Donald Rumsfeld. Before climbing into the helicopter, Dad finds time to humorously wisecrack at his daughter, "My credit cards are in the desk drawer, make sure you leave them there!" I forget exactly what Groucho Marx was up to in 1962 but whatever it was, his job was safe from Mr. Miller.
Having known how cheap this film was, I became mildly surprised upon seeing the helicopter actually take off with Mr. Miller inside. Shortly thereafter, I regretted that they bothered to gas up the chopper: by my count, a full 82 seconds pass which consist of nothing but the helicopter flying over some hills and Dad and the pilot looking at nothing in particular. Much more padding will follow later. Dad finally gets out of the helicopter once reaching what he hopes is the giant's turf. He tells the pilot to "...meet me at the mouth of Deep Canyon tomorrow at four." In some way that sentence sounds filthy but never mind. Oh, by the way... "Deep Canyon"... really? Is that anywhere near "Wet River" or "Green Forest"?
Curiously, Dad seems to have supplied himself for his trip with nothing more than a camera bag, even though he's hiking through a rocky desert landscape for a day or more. The pilot giggles for no particular reason and flies off. Dad gets started climbing rocks and sweating. Somewhere nearby we see the giant, who stares in frightened awe at the helicopter then grunts at it. Why would he be in awe if he lives within walking distance of civilization? Wouldn't he see planes and helicopters on a regular basis?
Around what looks like early evening-time, Dad takes a blurry photo of a smoldering campfire. We hear some generic drumbeats that have nothing to do with anything in this movie while the giant sneaks toward him. The giant raises his club as if to attack, Dad sees him and falls down backward, yelling "No... no... no!" The scene ends there to leave us in terrified suspense, if not annoyance.
