Medical Officer Diana Erickson shows up. Being a military woman in a movie, she must either gain, have, or had a relationship with one of the heroes in the film. In this case, she's the Captain's ex. Now two of the four people assigned to the Captain have had personal and uncomfortable pasts with him. Either the entire IPF consists of a couple of platoons, or the higher-ups have a vicious sense of humor. Good God... the Captain uses the "We'll always have Paris" line with her. Even worse, he follows it up with "it always felt like Paris to me". Does that just mean that Diana was stinky, expensive and rude? By the way, the actress playing Diana (Michelle Kapeta, in her sole film credit to date) seems to be aping Valeria Golino's character in the Hot Shots! films, displaying some foreign accent somewhere between Spanish and Russian, that is, when she's not speaking in plain American English.
Before the film embarks on some hot peacekeeping action, time is taken to develop our characters. Youssef speaks a bit about this land, the place where he grew up. Sergeant Morton quickly disparages the place. Diana then states how she grew up somewhere similar. Morton then sarcastically passes on his sympathy. You know, if one of the heroes is going to make the supreme sacrifice in this film, I hope its Morton. The sooner the better. Please. I'm not saying this just because of the dialogue, which is ridiculously overbearing in its attempt to hammer home the point that he's a hotheaded douche, but because of Mike Norris' acting, reminiscent of a blowhard gym teacher intimidating some smartass third grader.
Anyways, that night the unit, consisting of three jeeps (this is a no-fly zone, for all sides, apparently) hit the road. As they drive through a well-lit canyon (yellow light on patches here and there), the mean-looking guy from earlier (his name will be revealed as Jabbar) observes our heroes from a ledge. He mutters something to flunky Saaid. A bunch of guys appear on the ledge and fire at our heroes with heavy machine guns and RPG's.
The weaponry looks impressive though the explosions look like cheap fireworks and flares. The soldiers can't drive very fast as they are moving through a minefield, but also are under strict orders not to engage any attackers. It sure sucks to be Peacekeepers but what does this have to do with 'Delta Force'? One jeep and its crew is annihilated; no bother though, as none of them were given names. It would be easy enough to destroy the other two jeeps but Jabbar just stands there looking intense or seductive or who the hell knows what his look means. Strangely, after about ten seconds of driving seven miles per hour, our heroes apparently escaped the line of fire and all attacks cease. I guess the bad guys' bullets lose effectiveness beyond forty feet.
The now-frustrated Captain orders Youssef out in front of the jeep to look for mines. Sweaty, worried Youssef complies, but not before kissing some bauble and saying "Allah be merciful!". I suppose if we were in Mexico the tracker would make a sign of the cross and whine "Ay dios mio!".
Youssef pushes around the sand and rock and eventually finds a mine in the road. He gently clears dirt from around the mine while I wonder what happened to the bad guys, who were just a few feet away moments ago. The Captain loses his patience and tells Youssef to get back in the jeep. As Youssef gets back in, we get a wider shot, which laughably exposes the width of the road: there's enough room to steer a freakin' hovercraft around the mine! I swear, if this were a Hot Shots!-style parody of such a scene, it would not have been filmed any differently.
Captain James, who finally shows some interest in hurrying, elects to have the two remaining jeeps drive fast while he shoots any mines he might see. Of course, it turns out the Captain is a crack shot when it comes to blowing away mines buried directly in front of his jeep. Thankfully, the mines comply by giving off very small explosions, which seem once again to look suspiciously like road flares. I'll have to check the end credits for 'Armaments supplied by AutoZone'. The jeeps get away from the minefield as Jabbar watches them. He isn't even squinting or anything, so he must have called off the attack, right? If he called off the attack so quickly, what was the point of it to begin with? I guess I'm not supposed to think about that.
As our heroes set up camp, the reliably retarded Sergeant Morton attacks the Captain from behind, angry that the radio has been rendered useless by bullets and that they all could have died. This from the guy who was all gung-ho for action during his introduction. The Captain defends himself by stating the jeep that got blown up was hit by a bottle rocket, er, mortar fire. The Captain says even if the unit had been heavily armed, it wouldn't have mattered. Morton retorts with; "well it matters to me!"?!? Huh?
The next day, our intrepid heroes continue forward; I notice that no one in the second jeep has any speaking role, hmmm, I wonder what's going to happen to them; they may as well be wearing red Starfleet shirts. The two jeeps drive through another mini-canyon.
Up on the ledges, we see some more Arab bad guys running around with RPG's, trying to line up a clear shot. To be more accurate, WE see them but our heroes should also; heck, none of the ledges are more than thirty feet up and the bad guys are right on the edge of the cliffs, appearing directly in front of where the jeeps are going, plus its completely clear and sunny. Maybe I'm too harsh; our heroes probably saw them all, but with the sun glare it may have looked like innocent civilians running around with shoulder-mounted telescopes and fence-posts.
A couple of bad guys fire RPG's at the heroes' jeep, predictably missing to the front and both sides of it. Forget the International Peacekeepers, we need to send legions of International Optometrists. Our heroes in the front jeep decide to back up, which leads to a collision with… the second jeep, its occupants not seeming to have been paying attention to the cliffs or whats in front of them. Soon enough, the second jeep and its inhabitants get blown to smithereens. Nice knowing you guys, you can now resume your duties as caterers, drivers, key grips, or whatever you've really been doing on the set.
As we see the RPG's rain down onto the road, I start to notice that quite a few of these explosions are occurring without anyone having fired in those directions. What's more, I noticed that several of the RPG's, when fired, pretty much just fall out of their launching tubes. Plus, these rocket-propelled warheads leave no trails of fire or smoke, a rarity for rocket-propelled items. Maybe they're using a secret new model, designed for inaccuracy. Our heroes eventually make their escape, after running over a courageous yet none-too-bright baddie who stood in the road and nearly fired upon them with his clearly-empty launcher.
Only sissies drive around mines!
Ayazad's #1 Game Show - 'Guess My Mood'!
Eat my gravity-propelled rocket!
Sadly, the beans for the 'Blazing Saddles" campfire reenactment were cut from the budget.
That evening, Youssef leads our heroes to what he believes is an ideal hiding place, a hidden, secret abandoned city as he describes it. Not so sure how much of a secret the place is however, since they drive down a well-worn dirt road leading right into the place. Our four surviving soldiers make camp and build a fire. Personally, I'd have built one in a place where the flames might not be seen for miles in every direction but then again, I'm no elite International Peacekeeper. Sergeant Morton does some complaining about hiding out in the secret city for no reason, I suppose, other than to remind the audience that he's a dickwad for the 47th time.
The Captain inspects one of jeeps requisitioned for the mission, particularly the steel basket that has been fitted at the front of one of the jeeps. The cage is to be used by a minespotter or a scout or whatever, but it provokes some odd philosophical blubber. The Captain sighs and states, "It all comes down to this… men in cages". Youssef takes this ball and runs with it; "Men build such cages… does he not properly belong inside?", leading to a hearty laugh by both men. The goofy dialogue doesn't stop there. Captain James now asks Youssef (the TRACKER); "so… have you been thoroughly briefed on the terrain?"!?!
The IPF - crap soldiers but great marketers!
